SIN AND THE SINNER

In the past few months this has been the hammering question in my mind; What is a Sin? Who is a Sinner?

Let me put some food for thought on your platter.

• A person does an act that’s condemned by the society and the cultural and moral police but for that person, the act is no sin. So in such a situation should the act be called a sin and that man a sinner? Ironically we call it a sin and the person sinner coz all but one think the same way. TAKEN
• If a person does an act for which no one says or feel anything but the person feels he has committed a sin and considers himself a sinner. In such a situation what would the general verdict be?

Thus the question arise that what is a sin? Is it a sin, when all but one, think, that it’s a sin or is it a sin, when the person committing it considers it a sin?
In the former situation it would get inevitable to pin down the delinquent coz he would never owe up hence a bench mark needs to be set but what in the latter case when the person owes up but no one really bothers it.

Isn’t it a sin, when my conscience tells so but no one really feels that I’m punishable? Wouldn’t the inner fire of purgation make it a hell for the person to live anymore? But then committing suicide and failing in it is another sin BY LAW. What does it leave for the person then?
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FILTH MAKES IT FILTHY

Ever stared at filth for so long that your detest, hesitancy, reluctancy, puking sensation and “Dare Not Stare” feelings changed. Ever stared at filth for so long that you started discovering those different objects that at one point of time were adorned by one of us. Ever felt that connection with the filth. Ever thought it’s an integral part of you coz it’s come out of you or been a part of you. Ever seen a different world in that filthy drain by the train track while in locomotion. If not then don’t try either, who would want to meet you in hospital. But there is a world in that filth.

Have you ever seen the beauty in filth; I’m sounding insane, I know, but did you? Yes it’s got a beauty of its own. Try staring at it for long, long enough before that dizziness sets in. You would find it’s not all that to be detested. If you figured out something in a filthy drain that adorned your living room some time back then how it can detest. It was a part of you at one point of time.
“A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOREVER”
“Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so”, said Shakespeare. It’s our nature to like something to such an extreme that to detest it becomes so easier. I’m at a conclusion that besides nature which is cyclic in pattern everything else in life follows a bell shaped pattern. Starting from no where in its gestation, begins on a low note, reaches its peak where it becomes an apple of eye, starts to descend and then lost in transition. Becomes the detesting FILTH.

Men are filthy too. Filthy by their own existence. Filthy though not in appearance but in mind. All men have split personality. Hypocrisy is their other name. No not coz they don’t know how to mince words to hide their filth but they are an adroit in hiding their split personality. Hypocrite’s coz their split personality makes them different persons in front of different people. Dexterous in hiding their filthy persona to the person of their interest. But once confronting their filthy counterparts all that glitter is lost in the filth. Yes we all put up pretences.
Some, rather many would call it an art but what’s in an art that keeps changing form. The only art that can be accepted with its changing forms is nature rest all is FILTH!!

But filth is beautiful too. Some filthy men would be genuinely good and smart and handsome. Ever wondered why the goons and dons have the hottest babes. Simple, the babes already know of their filthy persona. Nothing is hidden. And it’s an acceptance of that filth which is apparent not concealed like others; the filth in others surfaces later when all the glitter and sheen has withered and the filth becomes apparent only to make life troublesome.

It’s best to have a filthy real persona than to have a dual existence, a split personality, and a constant hypocrisy that kills in the long run.

REMINISCENCE

Sitting on that bench by the bush, its the early hours of the evening, I was wondering how special that day was when I first met Scott. He had this charm of a kid which made him so lovable, eyes so innocent that one could not stop seeing them, a smile that could make your day, lips so alluring that one could hallucinate a lasting kiss, a voice that would sink in the heart like the melody of nature and a personality that could beat the best of the suitors.

It was my first day at St. Patrick’s. The class was a coterie of strangers, known faces, friends and ….. this lad walked in. I knew this charm, I knew the eyes, I knew the lips and I knew this “Hello”. He seemed so familiar.
Ahhh, “Hello”
“Scott”
“Ana”
“May I”
“Oh Sure!” he sat down beside me. “First day?” What a stupid question that was. It was first day for everyone.
“Yeah, I guess so” pat came the reply.
I was stammering in his presence, what was he doing to me. The day went by in smiles and stares. I don’t remember if we had talked anything that day beside that first conversation. We bid adieu to each other and left for our homes.


The next day, was a search for a face I knew, a search that became a routine and a search that became my life.

The child across the path is playing with the butterflies, unaware of the surroundings and unaware of the place he was at. It will take time for him to realize meanings of people, places and ………….
The old man to my right is silent. He just sits with his wife and says nothing. Silence is all he gives to his wife. Even I don’t have much to say besides……………
The crowd gathered over there is busy in their proceedings and would be gone soon.
For the guard and the caretaker it’s all in a days work.

Scott comes in late but sits besides me. I feel special, I feel blessed and I feel a completeness. The trend continued for the next 3 years. Everything of him was so serene, so harmonical. So special were the vibes that he shared. He made me feel his need, he made me feel what I had missed all this long, he made me feel satisfied, he made me feel contended. I was so composed, chilled and relaxed in his company. The chores of the world were so far away from the embrace of his arms. I would just get lost in his company. His words, a harmony, his smile, a wave of freshness, his stare, a morning ray, his laugh, a humorous play, his embrace, the world, a walk with him, a soothing bay and the time spent with him, a life lived. We were destined to be together. Everything was so special about us. His touch was a like a chord of a guitar, sweet and mellifluous. I could sit with him for hours without a word being said such was the illusion of his eyes. So much was said yet nothing uttered.


College got over and we got into jobs. We moved to different cities for the sake of our careers. Yet he would find time for me. Every time he came to see me, we would hardly talk. Being in his presence was more than a million words said. We would just sit and stare………….

The crowd almost done, they are all about to leave. The child would go soon. The old man is still silent. There is this son who has come to see his father and this other man who in order to purge his sins has come for this perfect stranger whom he met on the road.

He told his family bout me. I had wondered if they would ever accept me but who would deny him, his words – a harmony, who would like to bring a discord. It was set in the heavens, that one day we would be pronounced,
“Now that SCOTT and ANA have given themselves to each other by the promises they have exchanged, I pronounce them to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”


And the candles burn throughout.

The candle has burned out. I was waiting for this only. I didn’t want it to extinguish half way like my life has. The flowers too have started to shrivel. They would be dead by morning and the caretaker would throw them away. The old man would leave soon. The child has already gone. The son wept for sometime in front of his father and the candle still burns. The other man has given the flowers to the stranger he met on the road. The sun has set and its dark here like the darkness in my life. I light another candle before leaving. Walk a few steps back. The name still shines…..

SCOTT GUYENA
1980 – 2007.

THE HARBINGER

There I was standing in front of her door with a bouquet of thorn less pink roses and a big grin on my face. It has been 7 years now, 7 long years of solitude, a self given anathema and a process of purgation. When I had left her, never had I thought how it would be and how I would live it to be but it happened. I don’t know what has brought me to her today.

All this long we were not in touch, never tried to be in touch, distances helped and so did we. It was a promise to her that the day I’ll feel like meeting her I would find her, no matter where she was. This had been my forte. My networking skills are awesome. It all started in freshman days and I excelled in them in my sophomore days. Somehow I knew how to get to people, come what may. Finding your heart is never so difficult.

I’m at the 6th floor of this building in a satellite town and nothing gives a hint of her existence here. But I have no reasons to not to believe my own networking skills. Anyhow I had no options too so had to stick to it. This was the only clue I had got after an extensive research. Standing before that door I felt so dizzy, apprehensive of what lies on the other side. Unaware of what its going to be like and unaware of what it may contrive to be.

With a palpating heart I ring the door bell. I here a few footsteps and bang it opens in front of me. There she is!!! The same mesmerizing face, the same enigmatic, cherubic smile, the same grace and panache-she is an eternal beauty. I fall in love again!!
Pulling her tresses back she looks up at me. ASTONISHMENT!! She couldn’t believe her eyes and even I couldn’t. We were so dumb and numb. We didn’t know what to say and what to start with and where to begin. It was all so startling. She sat there for some time. I wanted to take her hand in mine and feel her presence again but did not have the courage to do so. I was 7 years ahead or rather 7 years far from her. She went inside for a while.


I feel this twitch in my denim and I ignore it as my apprehension. I feel it again and I look down to find this toddler looking up at me with those startling eyes. What a beautiful bonny child. I wasn’t amazed seeing the toddler. 7 years is a long time. People move on and people learn to live. It’s only few morons like me who get stuck in time and lose the flow. It was a happy feeling to see the child. Against the normal tendency of a child he was so friendly and comfortable being with me. I loved him play with me.


While I’m playing with him I see this photo frame of her with a man. I recognize this fellow. It’s him. I’m shocked to death. He was long gone out of lives of everyone, how come he is…….


I can’t believe my eyes. I search the room and there I see their wedding frame. Words lost, dreams shattered, home debacles, life evaded. I was stumbling and barely able to stand. I heard his voice from the living room. I could not face this. I was too weak for this. Rather I was not expecting this.
I had no heart to stay there to see them standing together. I had to leave.


I made an early exit. I was forced to. I would have not taken even a minute to get down to the ground floor. I had no words now. I had done the last thing I wanted to do in my life. The search over, the dream finished, the hope lost, the love dead…….naah!! The love won’t die. This is the reason I lived for 7 years and I think I got to live more.

THE PURGATION IS NOT OVER YET.

THE FULL MOON

It’s a full moon night today. You would say what’s new in it. Yeah nothing new in it but ask those two people and they would, with a startling glare in their eyes, a derisive smile on their face and a flutter in heart, say, “It’s a Full Moon Night Today”.

For years I had this strange connection with the full moon. Just the look of it would make me feel connected to her. She knew this. Rather she felt the same way. Not sure though. A connection: an attachment, a bonding, a smile, a stare, wordless, speechless, breathless, nimble…. (Chuckle).
You know connections are a great thing rather strange thing, they make you feel blessed, they make you feel stressed, they make you feel great, they break you into tears, they give meaning and they demean themselves. Connections are a momentary thing, in a moment you realize you have something to do with that other soul and in a moment everything shatters to pieces. It takes years to bring up a castle of your dreams and it takes just a second to bring it down. How Momentary!!

The full moon makes me nostalgic but there is no one to soothe me down, pacify me, allay my fears and apprehensions and assuage me of a better future. I’m vulnerable and few species on earth would definitely know that. I thought a Smile Would Win Over Everyone, it dint; not tears either. It’s all momentary.

Winston Churchill once said, “What goes around, Comes around”. Sorry to say Mr. Churchill the world never returns what you give to it. It’s a hungry, naked, mendicant world out there whose quench can never be satisfied even by the nectar of the sweetest flowers not even by the holy water of the heavens and not even by the blood of the mortals. I have left my fist open, not to let go what I hold in it but to hold the most of what I have got [DCH]. I wrote in my blog “I DESIRE” that the last of the threads are breaking away and I’m clinching on to those last threads. They are on the anvil to break, it’s inevitable, I can’t hold on to them. All I’ll have in my hand and in my life is the part of that thread that remains in my hand, they would go with theirs.

There comes a time in life when the world beckons you, hails you, heralds you but their also comes a time when the world dejects you, rejects you and you, flabbergasted by your fate get into that shell. The shell that is meant to nurture, care, and rejuvenate but this shell is a black hole. It takes away everything from you. Hope, trust, faith, love, friendship and meaning……the meaning of a full moon.

QUICKSAND

Ever imagined yourself in a quicksand. You are trying hard to get out of it but the harder you try the more it engulfs you in its abysmal depths. Have you ever imagined that life could be a quicksand of its own? Ever imagined situations that bog you down and you find yourself helpless and hapless. Ever imagined you losing all what you have, when you had secured it in the confines of your heart. Ever imagined yourself being speechless, when there is a whole gamut of emotions within, waiting for the right words to get expressed. Ever imagined a hollow within, a creepy hollow that like a black hole is ready to engulf everything you wish and desire.




Past few weeks saw me in each of these situations. Situations where I was helpless coz I couldn’t do anything for them, they were just beyond my control coz there was someone else on the drivers seat. Situations where I was hapless, jealous of someone else’s fortunes and ready to accept my own misfortunes. Situations which saw me dead in silence coz I was so close to lose something precious and I knew not what I would be doing after that. I had so much to say to chain my fortunes but I could not utter anything to anyone. All these unsaid words were clogging within and choking me to death. The resulting silence was deafening and inexplicable and people around me could not accept it as it was unlikely of the person I’m.



This darkness had to see light of dawn someday and it came but very subtly. I was infused with confidence, trust and faith that at the end of it I won’t be standing alone. I don’t know what it did to me but the result was an outburst of emotions that found words instantaneously. I found myself hand in hand with a companion who was ready to hold my hand in times of despair, ready to lift me when I was bogged down, ready to make me smile when troubles galore. The result; an effervescent smile lingering throughout the day on my nonchalant face. That smile still persists. It comes on its own everyday without a reason coz the reason it needs is embedded within. Nothing can make it leave my face. The reason is strong, the happiness unlimited and the LOVE IS IN AIR.

Life is CYCLIC

If it hadn’t happened to be what it is today then I wouldn’t have ever accepted in its full bloom the fact that “LIFE IS CYCLIC”. Everything happens here in a cyclic manner. Things, events, happiness, sorrow, pain, agony, ecstasy all come and go and come again to tell us that they are not over yet. It’s been quite some time since I last wrote my blog, 2 months roughly. My last blog was a reaction and that reaction rendered me word less to write anything. But today I wake up from that deep slumber to talk on something that I have witnessed off late.

There was a point when I was very happy, ready to change things as per my wishes, ready to take things in my stride by doing what no one would expect me to do. I was ready to build more and more bell graphs at the peak of every existing graph. But then something happened and I was pulled down like that kite which is not worth being in the sky and humiliate the flyer with its whimsical fly. Things kept happening after that. Words left my world. I became silent at most of the times. But my silence has always given me light of hope and a clear path to tread on. After years of silence, my heart uttered those deep struck thoughts and emotions and unbelievably I have been very happy after that. It’s like a bone that was stuck in my throat and has been removed. I don’t know how long this happiness gonna last coz again that cyclic trend will come with its regressive phase. So what I wanna do is make most of what I’m getting and make others around me happy too. Lets see how long this phase lasts but I wish it lasts really long and long and long…………………….

The Culmination

::::PLEASE READ "THE FINAL CONFLICT" BEFORE READING THIS POST.

And I thought I could defy the laws of nature. But I forgot that I was just a trivial mortal standing against the mighty forces of the nature. I was adamant, I was stubborn, but the naturist dogma says that what ever is too hard and too rigid, breaks, and perishes and get extinct more easily.

I thought that when I’ll reach the peak of the Bell Graph, I’ll start a new rising graph from that point; as if there was no falling from where I stand. I would make it a firm ground and keep rising and rising but………..

I should have known that I wasn’t very different from those 600 billion something and however hard I try I’ll fall in the category of HOMO SAPIENS. This means I stand exposed to all the nuisances of this world. I thought I would set an example of being an initiator, an innovator, a reformist but I ended up being a victim, a perpetrator, a delinquent.

Either I do or I die.

I wanted to finish up, wrap up my old declining graph and to put in the best in the new graph which was about its peak. But before I could do anything to the old one, the new one started on its declining trajectory. I thought I was very close to the peak but I was wrong. I was on the peak and by a wink I was on the other side of the graph, the declining, reclining, fading and eliminating phase of it.

I knew not it then, I know not it now and I may know not it in future as well; why after the peak the graph has to fall; why can’t there be another rising graph from that peak…WHY?????????????????

Why when the things are at its best, they have to deteriorate from there?
May be the answer lies in nature itself.
• When the fruit is ripest, that is the point of consuming it, after that it starts decaying.
• When a thing thrown in air reaches its highest point, it starts falling from there.
• When a man attains its best around mid 40’s, he starts getting older and older.

This is the NATURIST DOGMA. I wish I could have been unnatural to defy the daunting forces of nature. I WISH I COULD!!!!

The Final Conflict

It started as all good things start. I was happy, enjoying the new thing, exploring the unknown, trying to fit in facts and figures just like that broken card game wherein you put pieces together to make a picture. It’s always interesting to do that the first time, with someone the first time, for someone the first time and being done by someone for the first time.


It’s strange and perplexing that what ever thing I tend to delve on has this binomial distribution graph, yes that bell shaped graph. Things starting from no where, then they start accelerating towards good, better and best. They attain the peak and leave you with only memories that you can cherish your whole life. Now starts the deceleration. Out of the blue, things start getting poor, bad and worst. I never understand when you have attained that peak why things start deteriorating from that point. I feel that should be the point of a new start, you are at the best point; you have now nothing new to explore or know. This should be ideally the starting point. But strangely this doesn’t happen. And I know not why.


Yet I have decided to change this for the first time. I’m adamant to defy the law this time. My stubbornness is my companion in this Endeavour. I have already defied few stated laws but they weren’t that specific or rigid. The big ordeal begins now. The moment I know I’m at the peak, I’ll go for that start. As of now I know I’m very near it, but that is only a prima facie evidence and not a conclusive one. Either I Do or I Die.

This new graph still needs to see the light of dawn, but that old graph is still there in its last stages.
I’m due for that final conflict. I evaded the confrontation and stepped back in between. But it’s like death, if it’s going to come, its going to come. No matter whatever you do. Every now and then I get some news and that adrenalin starts pumping in anticipation of a confrontation. It hasn’t happened yet, and I know not when it will happen. I wish it happens soon. I don’t want this graph to get prolonged and clash with the new graph which is about its peak. When I start there, I don’t want extra baggage. But this is life and this is the “PERPETUAL PARADOX” of Spirit……..

SOULMATE!!

I know not what she has done to me, but she has made me a different person altogether. It took me years to realize her presence in my life but even after realizing her presence in my life I took a long time in knowing her, in accepting her, in loving her and to be entwined with her.

All this long (after I had my life in my hold) I had been searching for someone who was a figment of my imagination and not someone who was really there for me. I just didn’t realize that she was there with me all along. She was there when “SHE” wasn’t there, when I was there in deep trenches looking for light of hope, when I had “THEM”, when I was struggling to find meanings, when I was alone………..

To be honest, it was then, when I was all alone that I realized her presence in my life. I realized that I had an ear to my every word, a companion to my lonely walks, a helping hand to my tasks, a thought for my every thought and a heart to beat for me. Acknowledging her presence was difficult. This world doesn’t accept her presence in my life. They call me a loner, a detached soul, a moron, an abnormal being. Is it imperative to have someone in your life that others force onto you? Why can’t I be the way I want to be? Why I have to accept the norms of the societies? Why those dogmas are imposed on me?

I’m a reformist. I would do things, the way I want them to. Accepting someone else’s thought over mine is not acceptable to me. It’s not a defeat, no it’s not ego as well, but as long as I can think for myself, I would not accept someone else over me. To accept her as my soul mate was my choice. Some would acknowledge, some would detest but that doesn’t change the status quo. It has already been late in accepting her and when I have done it, I won’t step back.

She is none other than my "LONELINESS" that I have made my soul mate and I promise to stand by her.

I Desire

The more I try to understand life the more it perplexes me, the more I try to understand people the more they confuse me, the more I try to have friends the more strangers I come across. It’s been years! Yes years!

My coterie of friends and there ever demanding need for my time, support and company. I can give them but then they don’t need it. Yes they don’t need it. It’s a self created necessity which can be satiated with their own perennial resources. I think its time when I decide what I want and who wants me!! A question as confusing as the questioner himself. For certain people I’m not required, yes I’m not but I still hang on in their life with those last threads which are awaiting their peril. I want them to break now. This slowly killing pace is killing me softly. Everyday when I think I can hang on, a thread breaks. It leads no where.

The new relationships waiting at the anvil are a gimmick that life is putting to me. To get into a relationship only to drop out of it is not what I desire in life. I’m not devil’s own knight man, who is here to bestow people with the slings n arrows of their outrageous fortune. I desire to bring a smile on every man I come across; I desire to make every soul serene with my company and friendship; I desire to walk along the treacherous path making their journey simpler and smoother. I desire, I desire…..

HER PRESENCE : A BLISS

It was a warm day of May, and I was sitting at the library desk when this simple serene damsel enters our coaching. Dressed in a pink top and a black trouser she just took my heart away with that cherubic smile of hers. She was dead gorgeous. Her pristine beauty mesmerized me completely and her demure and panache bowled me over. All eyes in the room were on her and her eyes…….on the receptionist. She had come to take admission in my course and a friend of mine told that she would be in my batch only. A smile was all I had on my face.
Next day when I came to coaching the attendant gave me her I – D card and asked me to handover it to her as she was in my batch only. My guardian angel had blessed me with this chance to talk to her and I knew I had to make a mark to get that conversation going. The class had not started and I was waiting anxiously for her to come. In few minutes she too arrived. Had it been for someone else he would have jumped to talk to her but since it was me I waited for her to settle. I stood outside the class and waited for her. In a moment she came out and was looking for someone. Then she came towards me and said ‘HI’ with that same cherubic smile (Guardian angel). I said ‘HI’ and there our conversation started. Within minutes I found her to be one of the entrants of my directory. [I had this knack of knowing people wherever I would go. I used to be friend people wherever I used to go and then a network would be established. Like this I had developed a directory in my mind of so many people. It contained not only their names but phone numbers of some, vehicle numbers of some, family background of some and other details of few]. Now it was easier to converse as I gave her ample evidences of me knowing her though I actually had never met or seen her. She also felt happy to find a friend in this new place. Then I forwarded her I – D card to her for which she was thankful. Then we went into the class. I used to sit on the second or third last row at a center seat; that day she also came back to sit with me. I had an awesome evening that day. After the class we sat for an hour outside the coaching and talked about each other.
This soon became a routine. We used to come early and spend time in each others company, then we would study and after the class we would again spend time together. Then we changed our after class routine. We would go for a drive in her car or we would hang around in nearby restaurants. All eyes in my coaching were jealous of me, the guys of my good luck and the gals of her bad taste and choice. Well we did make a statement wherever we used to go and I was feeling like I had all the happiness of this world. I was sure of my career and I knew I could make her happy too. Whenever I was with her I would just feel the same comfort that a baby has in her mothers lap.
We would share so many things with each other. She had a past which she told me; that ugly past would surface occasionally and that would make her quite for days. I wont boast but my friendship helped her a lot to recover from the pain, agony and trauma of that burnt past. My night walks had given me enough insight and acumen to handle such upheavals in life. She was just like that flower which gets shriveled in inclement weather and when it gets nourishment and care it regains its lost beauty and sanctity. To sum up we were already a couple sharing and balancing the mixes of life and living it with all our might.
Every day has a night and so did our happiness, friendship and……………love. We had reached to the end of our course and soon we were to give our exams. We didn’t know where we would land up as our destinies were not a slave of our whims and fancies. We were unaware of what the future might hold for us yet we had this bonding that would alleviate our anxieties and allay our fear. We wanted to make the most of what we had before we ventured out for our careers. We wanted to spend most of the time together and make memories that could be cherished throughout our course. We would call each other numerous times in a day but the best time would be when we would talk for hours in the dead hours of night. It was so much pleasure to talk to her in night. The night with its sedation makes a person more emotional, intense and vulnerable. She would get so emotional and intense and it would give me immense happiness in knowing this side of her. Yes, somewhere I knew this is what a woman in your life does to you, she makes that soft side of yours activated. It’s difficult to put those loving moments in words but I lived them to the fullest.
We had given our exams and were waiting for the final results to be declared. We were meeting everyday but then one day she called me up at her place. I reached her place in time. She opened the door for me, gave me a tight hug and went in. I closed the door and moved in. She was watching a movie which she had paused. I sat down on the floor and played the movie. I had my legs spread out and my hands stretched back on the cushion. She came out with a drink and then sat between my legs and rested her back on me. It told me that she was alone at home. She was unusually quite. I knew something was coming coz she had not been so quite in past few months and her past was already a past to bother her anymore. I started moving my hands in her open, straight, silky long hair. I moved her hair from her neck and shoulder and kissed her on her neck. No reaction. I started kissing upwards and reached her ear. I gently bit her ear. No reaction still. I stopped. Then she slowly turned back and looked deep into my eyes. I tried reading her but before I could do anything our lips were locked into each other and our hands all over each other. She took off my t – shirt and caressed my bare chest with her soft wet lips. The next moment I was all over her. I was about to be swayed by my emotions and passion when my conscience pulled me back to senses. I withdrew my self away from her. I got dressed and sat down on the sofa. I had lost it but not completely. I wasn’t feeling guilty but awkward.
She was still quite. She came and sat beside me. I saw those tears in her eyes that were about to roll down her cheeks. There was pain in them, excruciating pain. I couldn’t hold on to her eyes and moved my eyes away from her. I saw a call letter lying on the center table. I opened it to find that she was selected in a prestigious institute and her joining date was in a week. A week? We had no time left. I looked in her eyes again but this time I couldn’t see her as there were tears in my eyes. I had the same pain in my eyes as hers. I sensed it, I felt it, and I cried it. I was speechless; in fact no words were required. I knew what she had to say and she knew what I had to say. I hugged her again, this time our touch saying it all. We sat down like that for hours looking in each others eyes. Sometimes you say it best when you say nothing at all. We knew this was coming and we were preparing ourselves for it but somewhere our preparation lacked. That was it. She had to go and that was certain. We had to accept it. It was getting difficult for me to stay there; a choking pungent feeling was taking my words away. I stood up, looked at her, gave her a parting hug and I came out from her house.

It was difficult for me to go to my house with those red, swollen crying eyes so I went for a drive. I went to that same spot outside the city where we would hang out often. The serenity of the place assuaged me and I was ready to accept the truth, after all it was a matter of two years only. I came back home in the evening and went straight into my room. I was listening to some soft songs on my laptop when my mom entered the room and gave me a letter. It was a call letter. I opened it and my eyes got startling wide. I was selected, and in the same institute as hers.

STRIKING DISTANCE

I had just sat down to study maths when her phone rang up. I reached for it and it was her on the other side. She couldn’t solve some chapters and needed my help. I was always ready to help anyone. It also meant that I could get her company for hours in these mundane exam days. Without a thought of my own studies and exam I started changing to go to her place. I was putting my whole year at stake but when emotions run high the brain can only sigh.

I reached her place. We sat down to study. But wherever I’m, there can be no studies without fun and laughter. This tells that my concentration power is weak but this also tells that I’m quite humorous and can make people laugh. We were having fun and studying too. It seemed she didn’t need much help; it was only lack of confidence. Well we were sailing through with much ease.

It was going well when all of a sudden this happened. I was sitting on chair and she was sitting on ground. Her t – shirt which had a loose neck just slipped of her shoulder and her strap was visible. I wanted to tell her to check her t- shirt but couldn’t do so. I was feeling shy as well as awkward. The friend in me wanted to tell her but the chivalrous male in me made me reluctant after much tussle I gave up. Later she herself checked it. But all that time I was uncomfortable and feeling difficult to look at her. I think when you like someone it does make you weaker, reluctant and inconfident. My feelings for her had started getting intense and I was feeling like she was the one meant for me. I had started dreaming of her as my wife and my happy married life with her. It would give me immense happiness to see those sweet and sour moments lived with her in those dreams. I would spend hours day – dreaming of her.

This did not last long as soon my commitments and my own career came in between. We had to part ways. Life seemed difficult without her initially but we all are capable enough of living with and without people. It seems difficult from a distance but when it come on you, you just live it with great passion and jest.

FRAILTY THY NAME IS WOMAN: SHAKESPEARE

The moment you read this don’t think I’m some anti – feminist or a chauvinist who is going to give a blog on how women are an object of weakness, desire, lust, sympathy and a good for nothing being on this mortal abode. Let not the misfortunes and miseries of your life disregard this wonderful creation who is a mother; who is a daughter, who is a sister; who is a friend and yes who is your girlfriend and your better half. This blog is in fact about the ladies in my life and limited to the latter three stated above rather two only coz I’m still to have a girlfriend.

WOMAN – A FRIEND

If you have read my testimonial in Orkut given by my sis, it says that I have a huge female fan following. Right she is. I always had many girl – friends. I was always popular among them. I don’t remember of my first two school coz I was small then when I got into my third school I was famous in all classes, right from class 1 to class 10. The measure of it was the number of rakhis I had on both my hands on Rakshabandhan Day. You bet it; girls had high expectations from me: SECURITY. Those of you who have seen me must be having a derisive smile on their faces. I know I know!!
Over the years I developed some good friends among girls. Considering the Aquarian in me I never fell short of friends (males & females). The interesting fact is though however clumsy, timid and shabby I look I always had the best of girls of the class as my friends. Not that I eyed them but somehow my chemistry used to gel with them. The fact remains still. In those formative years I may not have realized the value of friends and the pivotal role of a woman in one’s life but today in the formative years of my life as a patriarch I can understand it well. But you know I have been intrigued over and over again by this mystery called WOMAN. This blog was to be direct on woman but then I just couldn’t find the right words to pen down the vagaries of my mind. There is an aberration here to adjust this new aspect.

NO OFFENCE MEANT TO GIRLS. FREE TO GIVE IN YOUR COMMENTS. From my own experience and from my friends too I have come to a definite conclusion that girls have infinite power of maintaining clandestinity in personal matters, be it matters of heart or be it matters concerning their near and dear ones. When you think you know a girl inside out, be prudent, you have only started knowing her. There is a friend of mine with whom I share a great rapport. There are times when she leaves me totally bedazzled. I just can’t clear the air of mystery around her. It is then when I kinda know her well. There are times when I’m able to pick up things from thin air and there are times when certain things are just inexplicable. This fact is strengthened by another girl who is very good friend of my friend. In fact it was after knowing about her only that I decided to write this blog.
The second definite conclusion is you will never know what a girl really intends to or what really lies in her heart leave aside her heart of her heart. This fact was strengthened again by the two ladies stated above. Don’t think my conclusions are based on these two and they are Immortal truth. My observations were on many but since I got to know these two really close so the conclusion was drawn through them and these are just my way of taking things. Don’t adopt them and take them for truth. I’m not the one who draws conclusions based on an action or two, I really delve hard into things and it’s only when I’m convinced thoroughly that I put it on platter for others. I think this could last for eternity so I should come back to the main topic.

Believe me, if you ever want to know the in and outs of a WOMAN, befriend a girl rather make her your best pal. I have known something about them through my friend and you can too.

WOMAN: A GIRLFRIEND

I’m really incompetent to say anything on this as I’m still to have a girlfriend. But what I know is that I’m not the one who can be in and out of a relationship that easily. So if I’m still single it is because it’s not a fun game for me like others. I’m not here to test my self. I respect woman, their feelings and the institution of marriage. The day I commit, it would be a lifelong affair.

WOMAN: AS BETTER HALF

Well incompetent still but yes I do have a picture in mind. I know you all have it. Believe me it isn’t that fairy tale kind of thing. Its very simple, down to earth and a very realistic kind. Not much expectation and very personal to write it here. All I can say is it will be my choice and my parents consent on her or be it the other way it doesn’t matter. All I want is she can tolerate the eccentricity in me and be my intellectual counterpart.

There is much to write but I’m again in that perennial dilemma whether to write or not. You know sometimes you just don’t feel letting certain things out. Yes this happens with guys too. Why don’t you come up with your version of this topic? It would be interesting to know whether I’m the 10 or the 90 among 100.

INCESSANT PERPLEXITY

I’m in a perennial dilemma of whether I should write this blog or not but considering the positive effects I had writing my first blog I think I should write it. Its better out and lost than within and sulking.
I don’t know when it began; I don’t know when it will end, coz I’m at the receiving end. This was uncalled for. For past one year I’m trying to figure it out yet I stand disowned exactly where I was a year ago. I don’t know what triggered it; I don’t know what wrong I did to trigger it; I don’t know what could have been the factors for triggering it, all I know is that a intuition, a hunch, a gut feeling that I had, turned true, like it often does for me. It could have been easier if he could have said it, it could have been easier if he could have made me known; it could have been easier if ‘I’ wasn’t ‘Me’ and the ‘Me’ could have been ‘He’; it could have been easier, indeed much easier.
It’s so human to blame someone for something that he is not directly responsible for. Consider the following situations and think: Would you like to be hated by others for these:
a) For calling B as A.
b) For doing things your way.
c) For liking someone your way.
d) For hating someone your way.
e) For calling a spade, a spade.
f) For being in your own solitude and detachment that gives you peace.
g) For telling people that they are wrong.
h) For changing and adapting to your surroundings
i) And last, for being yourself.

I know that inner voice would be saying NO. Stop listening to this mind, it will mislead you. Listen to your inner self, the inner you, the real you, yes you “THE ONE”. Yet people, leave aside others, you and me do it. We blame others for something that they are not directly associated with. The result is a tainted faith, a dwindling trust, a broken relationship and a burnt past.

At times I feel victimized, at times I feel rebellious for I cannot get to the root, cannot unearth that closet which has hidden within reasons, actions, words which initiated this trauma of mine. However hard I try, I come back to that one point where I need that one key that unlocks the casket to my pain and agony.

For the pain and agony of the readers of this blog, this was just the prologue of my blog. But interestingly the rest is shorter and less painful than above

I have been thinking for quite some time now that why relationships are so complex, why is it that when someone needs to know something that would relieve you of your pain, you hide it, why is it that some people can absorb all pain and yet keep smiling, why is it some people just cant react at the right time, why is it that some people think that they are bigger than this world and why is it that some people can’t think the way things need to be thought.

It’s so intriguing that people can be at times so ununderstandable. I have given up on it. Its really painful to remember those moments and times which have brought you to the point you are today, Standing together yet apart, singing together but different song, walking together but in opposite directions, thinking same thing but in different ways, eating together but without the feel of others presence. At times I think, things would change for the better but everyday degradation in our relationship makes me think that day is really far. Much water has flown since. What could have been a relationship unparallel; has become a tragedy of errors.

I leave it to flow on its own, to be caressed by the evening breeze, to be ablution by the drizzle, to be warmed by the radiant sun and to be lost in the oblivion by time.

CUPIDS FIRST CARESS

CUPIDS FIRST CARESS

A TAKE OFF FROM PRODIGY’S FIRST BLOG

Of the whole plethora of ways in which love elevates you to that ecstatic level where you are ready to take an arm against anyone, come what may, there is a way that gives you wisdom, prudence, an illumined trajectory to tread on and yes the most important, memories to cherish for your entire life. Of all the love rather all kinds of love, the most important for today’s youth rather for any individual is the one when he is struck by cupid. Be it for the first time or for some a couple of times. Not admonishing other loves which we all have for some or the other person related to us in our life I would stick to cupid’s victims. For these victims, if fate confers, go on to lead a loving, peaceful and satiating life.

1 July’99, Thursday – I had taken admission in a new school to complete my intermediate. I expected to be bedazzled by the incandescent deities that are studying with me not necessarily in the same class or year but I was denied this pleasure for some time or rather I would say it was an abstinence I was living on. It is a sultry day of august in my city and we had our school day finished. I was coming out with my friends from the class and had reached the school gate. There was this retail store in front of the school where most of the students used to flock after school to have refreshments. I come out of the gate and in an accustomed manner look towards the shop. Never had the shop been as alive as it did that day, for it had the full moon glow on its visage. Standing in front of it was – the fragrance of spring, a refreshing cascade, the morning dew, the first drop of rain on dry parched earth, that cool summer evening breeze, the winter sunshine, the serene sea wave, that twinkling star, the only flower on a plant and the sparkle of my eyes – SNIDHI.

She was having a coke, her head looking up, the coke pouring down her throat, one of her leg a little bend, to tell you honestly it was that poise of her that made my heart skip a beat. Later when I enquired about her, my classmates who were studying here for years told me her name and her infamous past. Not that she had a tainted past, she was as chaste as fire, but she had a long queue of aficionados. I was a novice in the field and in the queue. Yes I would say it was for the first time I was feeling the way that made my heart flutter and my words stutter. Was it love?

Every time I used to see her my heart would skip a beat. I couldn’t look straight at her face; I would look for corners in open field, I was shy rather timid and I was ignorant of those immaculate moves and ways that could get me closer to her. Only thing I knew for sure was that I lacked courage to talk to her and I was pusillanimous. But I was ready to give it time. I realized later that she was not the one I would really want. She wasn’t the one I used to see when I closed my eyes and looked for no one but her. Was it crush, infatuation or love I don’t know but all I know is that she was not “THE ONE”.

Time flew away like autumn leaves and I realized it was someone else that I was feeling for sincerely. Who was a good friend, with whom I liked to spend time, with whom I wanted to share my thoughts, who was receptive to my ideas and views and who had a ear for all my words. If you want to know how big the world is you need to accept the fact that what you have seen is not the world. In some years it was proven that even she wasn’t “THE ONE”. And I was forced to think who “THE ONE” is for me. (For details on this read my first blog)

Over years my heart became like a write protected disk whose write protection makes you immune to getting involved with any other girls. Now I was a changed man. The one so amiable amigo was now frugal in his emotions. I was denying myself the feeling of being oneself. It affected me and is still affecting me and is making me a changed man, a man who is very different from the lad I was. I don’t search for cupid’s love now for I have realized that there is another love which is more important than it, its friendship love.
“FRIENDSHIP IN LOVE OFTEN DIES,
BUT LOVE IN FRIENDSHIP NEVER”
I have a coterie of friends who are there for me and I’m there for them. I have realized from a burnt past that love is not we think and believe but it teaches you its definition in its own subtle way. You will realize one day that you did something for someone which you could have never done in life, when you accept that you are ready to live for not yourself but that special someone and that person becomes more of you than he himself you will witness the noblest of emotions on this mortal abode that is called LOVE.

P.S.: My definition of love is not this. I’m guilty of not writing what I actually feel but then you
are not “THE ONE”.

Law Of Averages

LAW OF AVERAGES: GETTING ON ME

Duality of existence or rather duality of character or rather duality of personalities or rather duality of one’s own self. It’s been quite some time now when people have been telling me of my dual identities. I have been very comfortable living these two lives which are a gift of my past experience but off late people seem to be inquisitive of or perplexed of these.
There are people who accept it as a normal part of every one’s existence (partner), and they think its there in everyone. So do I feel. But then there are people who think it’s weird.
Subho, who came to know of this duality aspect even did my handwriting analysis and concluded the same. I was at extremes in both of my identities. He was right to judge that I was shallow in my relationships, I wasn’t giving any depth or time in any relationship though I portrayed as if I’m keenly involved. I was amazed at his observations skill. He had been observing me for quite some time now. Then there were few others too who felt the same but then recently I was given a very new dimension in this regard.
Law Of Averages – Courtsey : Saurabh Jain.

I have come to Bangalore for my summer training. I meet Saurabh and Monica at FORUM, a mall. Saurabh has met Monica for the first time and to be frank even I don’t know Saurabh that well. Out of one of the conversations, Saurabh comes out with a weird statement. “Monica, do you openly confess that you play mind games”. MIND GAMES? Hmmm sounds too good for a person like me. With initial explanation given by Saurabh, I gave it some thought but when he explained it in detail then I asked him about myself. He comes with this theory of Law of Averages.

Law of Averages is the balancing act of life. If you have been doing all good in your life till now then you are bound to do bad as well, only to average out your karma in the end. And every person who is a sinner will do something good in his life that will average his good and bad deeds and bring his karma to average. It was hard to believe that I would be doing wrong deeds in my life to balance my karma but I did want to believe it. Not because I wanted to but because I have not done all good deeds in life. Despite this I feel I’m a good guy. I often say this to Jassi that I’m a ‘Paapi’ but then this world is a ‘Maha Paapi’. This brings me to a deadlock that whether I’m good or bad.

I think I’m a good guy for I have done lots of good deeds in life but should that make me a good guy. Does absence of bad deeds means a man is good? Somewhere deep within my conscience I feel that absence of bad is not what makes you good. Perhaps the people who think I am good want to see me as good, they perceive me as good and their belief set makes me good. At the same time there are people who think I am bad…. For them I have been always saying one thing to me and to all my friends that you cannot be good for everyone. It is you who has to make a choice in life that whether you want to live for the people who think you are good or for people who don’t mean anything to you and feel you are good for nothing. I think its better to live with those five people who think you are good rather than to live for those five hundred people who think you are bad.Make your CHOICE!!!
IT’S EASIER TO CRY FOR SOMEONE,
IT’S DIFFICULT TO SMILE WITH SOMEONE.

I’m still to see the effects of this law of averages. There is still much life to live and I’m looking forward to witness this spectacular event.