Petals Dun Weep, It's the Morning DEW...

After years of mundane existence, I’m finally revitalized like the first bloom of spring, and I find myself as rejuvenated as the first drop of rain. After years I feel like living and living to live for a happy contended life.

I thought it’s all over, but I never realized life is a full circle with no corners and ends. In this never ending pursuit of survival, I barged into her.

I saw her in that deadly combo of white shirt and blue denims for the first time. Pretty appealing and then I lost her in the crowd. Every girl around was in the same combination and I just couldn’t get my eyes off of all those candies, definitely with floss.

Few days later, and on a hazy morning I was asked to wish someone on her birthday. I did it in my own subtle way with words that just soothe the soul. I had never heard the name before or seen her. But I did get to see her the same evening. “Oh! The birthday girl”, I muttered to myself and moved away. I lost her again, this time not in the crowd but in the loneliness of those stairs.

Days passed, and then one fine morning I was bedazzled by one of the most enchanting beauties I had ever come across. It was she again. “How in the world I could have missed that”, and that one thing that had caught my fancy was that “SMILE” of hers, that still lingers in my memories and my lips touch ear to ear. I thought I was always floored by ‘their’ eyes but for a change like the other changes in an around me, for the first time it was a “SMILE”. Innumerous skipped heart beats have rendered me speechless and with every passing day, my fondness for her has grown manifold.

I know not what her smile has in it but it has the perfect ingredients to allay my anxieties, relieve me from pain and tension and soothe the soul to such an extent that living under her shadow is what I can crave for all time. Her looks have the innocence of a new born, pristine and heavenly. Such is their charisma and mesmerism that I feel guilty of falling in love with her. I feel like that street urchin who touches the silk robes of the queen’s palace and stains them forever. I find her so innocent that being a part of her life produces guilt in me coz I’m not one of those blessed ones. I’m afraid of asking her out coz I find myself so frugal in front of her richness of persona. I don’t find myself even worth her friendship coz I’m guilty of condemnable acts. I feel this coz her aura is so divine and honest that makes me feel introspective and makes every inch in my cadaver to account for and find that I’m just not existent in front of her.

Her beauty is exhilarating. No she isn’t some beauty queen. She has the simplest of looks a girl could have but with that smile it adds so much panache and mesmerism to her personality that she bowls over everyone around. Her beauty is inexplicable in words and immeasurable in any unit. I’m blessed to be around her for a while every now and then.

My dream of a wife seems so near yet so far. I feel like marrying now, if only she says “YES”. She is just the one I had ever dreamt and it gives me immense pleasure in the fact that my dream wasn’t a fantasy and there still exist a possibility to my dream.

I WONDER WHEN MY DREAM COMES TRUE…

Walk by the Woods, Hand in Hand!!

It had been long since we last met. Today she was coming to meet me all the way from down south. Little butterflies in my stomach were making me look forward to this meet. It had really been long since I had last seen her face. Her radiant face, full of zeal, enthusiasm, and effervescence that sparkles every face around. A great friend and a great pal. She had been the spirit, the soul, and the heart of my existence. Have seen her bring me through most of my adversaries and has been around through my thick and thins. I love her!!!

The last meet is all I had lived upon all this while. The day always seems too long until I have her by my side. The daily mundane tasks assigned to me by the authorities are a pain until I have her face making me sail through them. The co – workers rather co – inhibitors would have good time in my presence, but they could never fill the void within.
“It always takes an ocean to fill the well in me”

She had come to meet me at my States apartment which was given to me by my company, “Virginia Tech.”. In other words it was a store room apartment. It was packed with all the junk available in the town. It was in complete contrast to my Mumbai apartment where I had just bedding and few of my belongings in a spacious room with a big two door size French windows. It was hard to find a place for her to sit. But she made her self comfortable, may be it was more important that we were together than where we were. We had a good long chat that day, remembering the good old days we had at college and the few good times we spent alone. In the evening I had taken her for a walk down town. She had left me great memories to live all this while. And today we meet again.

As the time nears by for her arrival, I’m getting more anxious and jittery. Somehow the glass between us would make all the difference. I can’t help it, I wish I could……….

Its time and she is here. I’m being taken to the “Guest Room”. There she is, in the most hottest and appealing combination according to me. A crisp white body hugging cotton shirt and blue denims. “Ohh! Heaven! Gimme some more time with her…………………
We sit across each other, the glass between us, and the microphone to our aid. What should I tell her? Words are lost for me. All I can do is, see long in her eyes to draw all my times I had not been with her together. I can’t hold it anymore.
“Officer, I have a request...”
“What is it Mr. Anand?”
“I don’t know if it’s in your discretion, but I think it will be my last wish if I can make any.
Can you by any chance let me out, I want to walk by the woods with her”

“What, ahmmmm, I don’t know if I can do anything bout it,……..wait, lets see……., I would be risking my job, but ahmmmm, I think I would give in to those vibes I see you share with her.”

I see the sky after a month. How great it is to see, that how trivial we are and how miniscule our existence is in front of that vast blue spread. I look at her. There is peace within and a sense of accomplishment. I’m fortunate for this walk. After this everything would be easy, I know that within. I’m beyond my usual questions, what if….., what if not,….had it, ……may be,……, they are lost in her presence. She is too comforting and her face allays all turbulence within.

The woods are silent and the breeze chilly; the birds aren’t chirping and the silence harrowing. May be it’s a harbinger, but who cares now, I have her by my side. Sometimes you talk nothing, sit silent for hours together, and when you part, you feel you had the best conversations ever. Yes, I had it too. One of those which will remain in my heart forever.
“Forever”(chuckle), as if forever lasts for ever.
Time is up, and I have to return. The woods even more silent and the wind even chillier. They definitely tell the tale. She would have to leave; I don’t want her to stay till the end. It would be painful for her.

“
‘Morifibre’
It’s that one thing you really care about,
The one special thing that means to you more than anything else in this world,
When you find her, you fight for her; you risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it.
And may be that doesn’t help her to be….
You know it doesn’t matter,
Because in your heart you know,
That the “JUICE IS WORTH THE SQUEEZE”
”- The Girl Next Door

The cell is sealed. The gas is out.
I’m losing sight………loosing my breath.



“THE BEGINNING”

SIN AND THE SINNER

In the past few months this has been the hammering question in my mind; What is a Sin? Who is a Sinner?

Let me put some food for thought on your platter.

• A person does an act that’s condemned by the society and the cultural and moral police but for that person, the act is no sin. So in such a situation should the act be called a sin and that man a sinner? Ironically we call it a sin and the person sinner coz all but one think the same way. TAKEN
• If a person does an act for which no one says or feel anything but the person feels he has committed a sin and considers himself a sinner. In such a situation what would the general verdict be?

Thus the question arise that what is a sin? Is it a sin, when all but one, think, that it’s a sin or is it a sin, when the person committing it considers it a sin?
In the former situation it would get inevitable to pin down the delinquent coz he would never owe up hence a bench mark needs to be set but what in the latter case when the person owes up but no one really bothers it.

Isn’t it a sin, when my conscience tells so but no one really feels that I’m punishable? Wouldn’t the inner fire of purgation make it a hell for the person to live anymore? But then committing suicide and failing in it is another sin BY LAW. What does it leave for the person then?
?
?
?

FILTH MAKES IT FILTHY

Ever stared at filth for so long that your detest, hesitancy, reluctancy, puking sensation and “Dare Not Stare” feelings changed. Ever stared at filth for so long that you started discovering those different objects that at one point of time were adorned by one of us. Ever felt that connection with the filth. Ever thought it’s an integral part of you coz it’s come out of you or been a part of you. Ever seen a different world in that filthy drain by the train track while in locomotion. If not then don’t try either, who would want to meet you in hospital. But there is a world in that filth.

Have you ever seen the beauty in filth; I’m sounding insane, I know, but did you? Yes it’s got a beauty of its own. Try staring at it for long, long enough before that dizziness sets in. You would find it’s not all that to be detested. If you figured out something in a filthy drain that adorned your living room some time back then how it can detest. It was a part of you at one point of time.
“A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOREVER”
“Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so”, said Shakespeare. It’s our nature to like something to such an extreme that to detest it becomes so easier. I’m at a conclusion that besides nature which is cyclic in pattern everything else in life follows a bell shaped pattern. Starting from no where in its gestation, begins on a low note, reaches its peak where it becomes an apple of eye, starts to descend and then lost in transition. Becomes the detesting FILTH.

Men are filthy too. Filthy by their own existence. Filthy though not in appearance but in mind. All men have split personality. Hypocrisy is their other name. No not coz they don’t know how to mince words to hide their filth but they are an adroit in hiding their split personality. Hypocrite’s coz their split personality makes them different persons in front of different people. Dexterous in hiding their filthy persona to the person of their interest. But once confronting their filthy counterparts all that glitter is lost in the filth. Yes we all put up pretences.
Some, rather many would call it an art but what’s in an art that keeps changing form. The only art that can be accepted with its changing forms is nature rest all is FILTH!!

But filth is beautiful too. Some filthy men would be genuinely good and smart and handsome. Ever wondered why the goons and dons have the hottest babes. Simple, the babes already know of their filthy persona. Nothing is hidden. And it’s an acceptance of that filth which is apparent not concealed like others; the filth in others surfaces later when all the glitter and sheen has withered and the filth becomes apparent only to make life troublesome.

It’s best to have a filthy real persona than to have a dual existence, a split personality, and a constant hypocrisy that kills in the long run.

REMINISCENCE

Sitting on that bench by the bush, its the early hours of the evening, I was wondering how special that day was when I first met Scott. He had this charm of a kid which made him so lovable, eyes so innocent that one could not stop seeing them, a smile that could make your day, lips so alluring that one could hallucinate a lasting kiss, a voice that would sink in the heart like the melody of nature and a personality that could beat the best of the suitors.

It was my first day at St. Patrick’s. The class was a coterie of strangers, known faces, friends and ….. this lad walked in. I knew this charm, I knew the eyes, I knew the lips and I knew this “Hello”. He seemed so familiar.
Ahhh, “Hello”
“Scott”
“Ana”
“May I”
“Oh Sure!” he sat down beside me. “First day?” What a stupid question that was. It was first day for everyone.
“Yeah, I guess so” pat came the reply.
I was stammering in his presence, what was he doing to me. The day went by in smiles and stares. I don’t remember if we had talked anything that day beside that first conversation. We bid adieu to each other and left for our homes.


The next day, was a search for a face I knew, a search that became a routine and a search that became my life.

The child across the path is playing with the butterflies, unaware of the surroundings and unaware of the place he was at. It will take time for him to realize meanings of people, places and ………….
The old man to my right is silent. He just sits with his wife and says nothing. Silence is all he gives to his wife. Even I don’t have much to say besides……………
The crowd gathered over there is busy in their proceedings and would be gone soon.
For the guard and the caretaker it’s all in a days work.

Scott comes in late but sits besides me. I feel special, I feel blessed and I feel a completeness. The trend continued for the next 3 years. Everything of him was so serene, so harmonical. So special were the vibes that he shared. He made me feel his need, he made me feel what I had missed all this long, he made me feel satisfied, he made me feel contended. I was so composed, chilled and relaxed in his company. The chores of the world were so far away from the embrace of his arms. I would just get lost in his company. His words, a harmony, his smile, a wave of freshness, his stare, a morning ray, his laugh, a humorous play, his embrace, the world, a walk with him, a soothing bay and the time spent with him, a life lived. We were destined to be together. Everything was so special about us. His touch was a like a chord of a guitar, sweet and mellifluous. I could sit with him for hours without a word being said such was the illusion of his eyes. So much was said yet nothing uttered.


College got over and we got into jobs. We moved to different cities for the sake of our careers. Yet he would find time for me. Every time he came to see me, we would hardly talk. Being in his presence was more than a million words said. We would just sit and stare………….

The crowd almost done, they are all about to leave. The child would go soon. The old man is still silent. There is this son who has come to see his father and this other man who in order to purge his sins has come for this perfect stranger whom he met on the road.

He told his family bout me. I had wondered if they would ever accept me but who would deny him, his words – a harmony, who would like to bring a discord. It was set in the heavens, that one day we would be pronounced,
“Now that SCOTT and ANA have given themselves to each other by the promises they have exchanged, I pronounce them to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”


And the candles burn throughout.

The candle has burned out. I was waiting for this only. I didn’t want it to extinguish half way like my life has. The flowers too have started to shrivel. They would be dead by morning and the caretaker would throw them away. The old man would leave soon. The child has already gone. The son wept for sometime in front of his father and the candle still burns. The other man has given the flowers to the stranger he met on the road. The sun has set and its dark here like the darkness in my life. I light another candle before leaving. Walk a few steps back. The name still shines…..

SCOTT GUYENA
1980 – 2007.

THE HARBINGER

There I was standing in front of her door with a bouquet of thorn less pink roses and a big grin on my face. It has been 7 years now, 7 long years of solitude, a self given anathema and a process of purgation. When I had left her, never had I thought how it would be and how I would live it to be but it happened. I don’t know what has brought me to her today.

All this long we were not in touch, never tried to be in touch, distances helped and so did we. It was a promise to her that the day I’ll feel like meeting her I would find her, no matter where she was. This had been my forte. My networking skills are awesome. It all started in freshman days and I excelled in them in my sophomore days. Somehow I knew how to get to people, come what may. Finding your heart is never so difficult.

I’m at the 6th floor of this building in a satellite town and nothing gives a hint of her existence here. But I have no reasons to not to believe my own networking skills. Anyhow I had no options too so had to stick to it. This was the only clue I had got after an extensive research. Standing before that door I felt so dizzy, apprehensive of what lies on the other side. Unaware of what its going to be like and unaware of what it may contrive to be.

With a palpating heart I ring the door bell. I here a few footsteps and bang it opens in front of me. There she is!!! The same mesmerizing face, the same enigmatic, cherubic smile, the same grace and panache-she is an eternal beauty. I fall in love again!!
Pulling her tresses back she looks up at me. ASTONISHMENT!! She couldn’t believe her eyes and even I couldn’t. We were so dumb and numb. We didn’t know what to say and what to start with and where to begin. It was all so startling. She sat there for some time. I wanted to take her hand in mine and feel her presence again but did not have the courage to do so. I was 7 years ahead or rather 7 years far from her. She went inside for a while.


I feel this twitch in my denim and I ignore it as my apprehension. I feel it again and I look down to find this toddler looking up at me with those startling eyes. What a beautiful bonny child. I wasn’t amazed seeing the toddler. 7 years is a long time. People move on and people learn to live. It’s only few morons like me who get stuck in time and lose the flow. It was a happy feeling to see the child. Against the normal tendency of a child he was so friendly and comfortable being with me. I loved him play with me.


While I’m playing with him I see this photo frame of her with a man. I recognize this fellow. It’s him. I’m shocked to death. He was long gone out of lives of everyone, how come he is…….


I can’t believe my eyes. I search the room and there I see their wedding frame. Words lost, dreams shattered, home debacles, life evaded. I was stumbling and barely able to stand. I heard his voice from the living room. I could not face this. I was too weak for this. Rather I was not expecting this.
I had no heart to stay there to see them standing together. I had to leave.


I made an early exit. I was forced to. I would have not taken even a minute to get down to the ground floor. I had no words now. I had done the last thing I wanted to do in my life. The search over, the dream finished, the hope lost, the love dead…….naah!! The love won’t die. This is the reason I lived for 7 years and I think I got to live more.

THE PURGATION IS NOT OVER YET.

THE FULL MOON

It’s a full moon night today. You would say what’s new in it. Yeah nothing new in it but ask those two people and they would, with a startling glare in their eyes, a derisive smile on their face and a flutter in heart, say, “It’s a Full Moon Night Today”.

For years I had this strange connection with the full moon. Just the look of it would make me feel connected to her. She knew this. Rather she felt the same way. Not sure though. A connection: an attachment, a bonding, a smile, a stare, wordless, speechless, breathless, nimble…. (Chuckle).
You know connections are a great thing rather strange thing, they make you feel blessed, they make you feel stressed, they make you feel great, they break you into tears, they give meaning and they demean themselves. Connections are a momentary thing, in a moment you realize you have something to do with that other soul and in a moment everything shatters to pieces. It takes years to bring up a castle of your dreams and it takes just a second to bring it down. How Momentary!!

The full moon makes me nostalgic but there is no one to soothe me down, pacify me, allay my fears and apprehensions and assuage me of a better future. I’m vulnerable and few species on earth would definitely know that. I thought a Smile Would Win Over Everyone, it dint; not tears either. It’s all momentary.

Winston Churchill once said, “What goes around, Comes around”. Sorry to say Mr. Churchill the world never returns what you give to it. It’s a hungry, naked, mendicant world out there whose quench can never be satisfied even by the nectar of the sweetest flowers not even by the holy water of the heavens and not even by the blood of the mortals. I have left my fist open, not to let go what I hold in it but to hold the most of what I have got [DCH]. I wrote in my blog “I DESIRE” that the last of the threads are breaking away and I’m clinching on to those last threads. They are on the anvil to break, it’s inevitable, I can’t hold on to them. All I’ll have in my hand and in my life is the part of that thread that remains in my hand, they would go with theirs.

There comes a time in life when the world beckons you, hails you, heralds you but their also comes a time when the world dejects you, rejects you and you, flabbergasted by your fate get into that shell. The shell that is meant to nurture, care, and rejuvenate but this shell is a black hole. It takes away everything from you. Hope, trust, faith, love, friendship and meaning……the meaning of a full moon.

QUICKSAND

Ever imagined yourself in a quicksand. You are trying hard to get out of it but the harder you try the more it engulfs you in its abysmal depths. Have you ever imagined that life could be a quicksand of its own? Ever imagined situations that bog you down and you find yourself helpless and hapless. Ever imagined you losing all what you have, when you had secured it in the confines of your heart. Ever imagined yourself being speechless, when there is a whole gamut of emotions within, waiting for the right words to get expressed. Ever imagined a hollow within, a creepy hollow that like a black hole is ready to engulf everything you wish and desire.




Past few weeks saw me in each of these situations. Situations where I was helpless coz I couldn’t do anything for them, they were just beyond my control coz there was someone else on the drivers seat. Situations where I was hapless, jealous of someone else’s fortunes and ready to accept my own misfortunes. Situations which saw me dead in silence coz I was so close to lose something precious and I knew not what I would be doing after that. I had so much to say to chain my fortunes but I could not utter anything to anyone. All these unsaid words were clogging within and choking me to death. The resulting silence was deafening and inexplicable and people around me could not accept it as it was unlikely of the person I’m.



This darkness had to see light of dawn someday and it came but very subtly. I was infused with confidence, trust and faith that at the end of it I won’t be standing alone. I don’t know what it did to me but the result was an outburst of emotions that found words instantaneously. I found myself hand in hand with a companion who was ready to hold my hand in times of despair, ready to lift me when I was bogged down, ready to make me smile when troubles galore. The result; an effervescent smile lingering throughout the day on my nonchalant face. That smile still persists. It comes on its own everyday without a reason coz the reason it needs is embedded within. Nothing can make it leave my face. The reason is strong, the happiness unlimited and the LOVE IS IN AIR.

Life is CYCLIC

If it hadn’t happened to be what it is today then I wouldn’t have ever accepted in its full bloom the fact that “LIFE IS CYCLIC”. Everything happens here in a cyclic manner. Things, events, happiness, sorrow, pain, agony, ecstasy all come and go and come again to tell us that they are not over yet. It’s been quite some time since I last wrote my blog, 2 months roughly. My last blog was a reaction and that reaction rendered me word less to write anything. But today I wake up from that deep slumber to talk on something that I have witnessed off late.

There was a point when I was very happy, ready to change things as per my wishes, ready to take things in my stride by doing what no one would expect me to do. I was ready to build more and more bell graphs at the peak of every existing graph. But then something happened and I was pulled down like that kite which is not worth being in the sky and humiliate the flyer with its whimsical fly. Things kept happening after that. Words left my world. I became silent at most of the times. But my silence has always given me light of hope and a clear path to tread on. After years of silence, my heart uttered those deep struck thoughts and emotions and unbelievably I have been very happy after that. It’s like a bone that was stuck in my throat and has been removed. I don’t know how long this happiness gonna last coz again that cyclic trend will come with its regressive phase. So what I wanna do is make most of what I’m getting and make others around me happy too. Lets see how long this phase lasts but I wish it lasts really long and long and long…………………….