Redemption

I read these lines on the wall post of my cousins FB profile:

 “You have never really lived until you have done something for some one who can never repay you”

It immediately set my mind on a wild goose chase, that, if I have ever lived? But it wasn’t a question that any mind could answer. It required a heart. A heart that has been tormented enough to understand what pain really is, how traumatic some dreams can be and how difficult sometimes, redemption is.

The mind had a calculated answer; you did live quite a while, but you died more often.

Ahaan!! Wasn’t that known?

But then my mind wandered on to a different question altogether.

Am I worth living?

Does this heart really have something that should warrant me a life?

Is there good within?

My feeble memory took me back to this incident at Kurla station where I had earned a moment to live with honour.

I had just alighted from the first class of CST bound local and as always rushed my way to the staircase. A man stood there almost 2 meters on the reclining pavement to the over-bridge, stopping a wheelchair from falling back. An old lady occupied that wheel chair sitting almost lifeless. I would have ignored it like all other days but then that day something different happened. I don’t know why but I just walked up to that wheel chair, took hold of 1 handle and we both started pushing the wheelchair up. The non verbal consent and synchronization was baffling. As if he knew I’ll be doing this. The finishing distance was marked by stairs. We had to lift it. It looked difficult if we could do it. All of a sudden a man came and helped lift the wheel chair from behind and we managed to lift the wheel chair to the over-bridge. The man thanked both of us; I acknowledged it by placing my right hand on my heart. As I moved towards the bus depot I wondered why I did it. I just behaved like a fanatic with no reason as to why I did it.

I may never meet that man and old lady again. They too mite have forgotten me. But it still baffles me.

It seems I was made to earn that real reason of living. There is a message in it which I’m yet to decode. It’s a signal; to decipher.

I’m yet to find reason for the inquisitiveness that baffles me when I see that boy with just one side of the face or that other boy whose eye hangs popping out of the eye socket.

Loving Imperfections to Perfection...

They say its easy falling in love, its difficult staying there. For me, neither the fall, nor the stay was easy. Just about when I thought, the cake was ready to relish, the bread started crumbling.

For her, the emotions had ceased to exist, and the void was paramount to her decision. She wanted to avoid the pain and agony of close death of a bond that somewhere even she felt “EXISTED”. She wanted it easy, without slogging it out and I was ready for the turmoil, only to churn out a phoenix.

While the bread crumbs were crumbling under the so called “Marital Bliss”, I would often wander in the bliss of those cherishing memories, which laid the foundation stone to this relationship. Not really lost in oblivion was a special meet, when I had come all the way to give her solace.

“Please come, I really – really need you. Plz, plz, plz….” read the text on my cell phone. I didn’t need a reason after that; those 3 “Plz” were compelling enough. I somehow managed to get a waiting train ticket and I was ready to adjust for anything but make sure I was there for her. Luckily, I found a friend in the train, who accommodated me on his seat and I had a decent journey, all thanks to his benevolence.

I reached her place and called her up on her cell to tell her that I will not be able to come due to some problems. I knew she would come out to her balcony to pour her heart out. And she did. I asked her to look down at the street and a million dollar smile flashed at me. That was it. That smile made me oblivious of all the pain and trouble I had in making it possible to meet her. That was just the curtain raiser to her, to make her feel comfortable in the fact that her buddy was here with her now. After exchanging pleasantries and spending some time with her, I bid her good bye, only to meet up early next day and spend all the time together.

She came to my place, we hugged and greeted and she settled on the sofa across mine. We exchanged pleasantries and I knew there was so much hidden behind those made up smiles. I tapped at the vacant space besides me and gestured with my eyes, asking her to come besides me. She obliged. I took her hands in mine and asked her what it was. Just like a hot knife running over frozen butter, she started pouring it out. I let her be. After a while, it was too overwhelming to still be my cold self. I decided to comfort her and thought of hugging her. While I tried to pull her towards me, she was too stiff to even move. I thought of putting my arms around her. The moment I raised my hands to do so she moved back to rest her self, I thought of stroking her straight tresses but my fingers got stuck in her wet hair. She had washed them that day. I thought of rubbing her palms, but they were too sweaty to even hold. Then I decided to wipe her tears but the moment my hand touched her cheeks, she blew her nose out on my hands :(

I still want to hug her to make her feel warm, to untangle her tresses, to hold her palms and reassure, that, I’m there, to hold her face in the cup of my palms and tell her that I still love her.

I needed to confront her, to create a “tsaheylu” (a Navi’s emotional bond that lasts a lifetime; refer movie Avatar). 

After much cajoling and convincing, she agreed to go for a walk with me. That was my only chance; I had to make this “A Walk to Remember”.

Our silent tread towards nothing and for nothing started slowly, and silence was that pervaded all the while. But while we walked, I saved her from a ball hitting her face, held her duppatta which the wind blew away, blew in her eyes to remove that mote, held her hands when she slipped on the sludge, cleaned the park seat for her to sit, got those sweet corns she liked and smiled every time she looked at me. Yes, Smile!

“You may not realize but after a troubled night sleep due to my snoring you always had a wonderful morning sleep. Coz, I made sure that I got ready and left without making a single sound to disturb you.

You always had your special herbs & spices in the kitchen shelf, ever wondered why they never exhausted.

You never had to bother for keys; you always found them with me.

Whenever you had a bad day, you always had me by your side and I always heard you out. You complained that I don’t respond but did you ever thank that I listened?

The maid didn’t hassle you for her salary, neither the servant did, nor the others, wonder why?

You complained that I didn’t compliment but did you ever saw me not liking you in anything you wore?

Our special nights, slow, sedating and exhausting, yet left you satiated.

Whenever you had your way, you didn’t realize, I was with you in that way.

I may not be the perfect husband, I may not have done things perfectly yet in my imperfections, I have made you happy. Even I didn’t have the perfect love, but I loved your imperfections to perfection.”

Silence pervaded again. We started to walk back but after a while I realized it was just me. I looked back to find her still sitting there. I called for her, she wasn’t hearing. I walked up to her to find wet eyes trying to have a clear sight of all the messed things around. She pulled me down to sit with her.

I hugged her, put my arms around her, stroked my fingers in those straight tresses, rubbed her palms to console her, wiped her tears AND kissed her to make up for all the lost time.

To Be or Not To Be...

To be or not to be, that is the question,

Whether it’s nobler in the mind,

To suffer the slings & arrows,

Of this outrageous fortune,

Or by taking her arms in yours

Settle down to a commitment…

That certainly didn’t happen with her. It just wrecked like a paper boat, flung into the lanes, marooned by the gushing rain water. The boat is nice, crisp and clean, only until it’s in the hands of its creator but the moment it’s left to prove its efficacy, it realizes, it is just a pawn to the forces much stronger than it. To wreck or to sail, is not the authority or discretion of the boat, no not its creators either, it’s the gushing rain water’s.

I have slammed to the walls, dollop and galloped, drowned and wrecked in a similar gush. It’s been years yet seems just a tale from the last weekend. Weekdays don’t leave me with much thoughts or emotions. The face is familiar, the touch reminiscent, the roads known, and smiles…

A smile can be deceptive too.

I was looking for something in my mailbox, when I stumbled upon an old chat, about 4 years old, which reminded me of the good old days. The days when the boat was still a piece of paper in that notebook, which awaited the graphite to scribble love notes onto it. Rhapsody!!!

It wasn’t evident then, but when I read the chat now, I see that the future was scribbled right in its inception. If only, I wasn’t human enough, I could have seen through it. What was bliss then looks a spoof now. A spoof life played on me. I was someone really special to the puppet master. But with all strings in the hands of someone else, a puppet has nothing but to play to the spoof. And I valiantly did.

I stand dried on a perched top now. The rain water naturally descended. But its lonely being deserted to this corner and awaiting.

The wait is for that second pounding. Yes!!! I await the gushing rain waters again for now I’m prepared, have learnt the maneuvers, have jostled the contours, have known the trajectory and I’m nice, crisp and clean again.

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace…

Dawn !!

Every morning, I wake up to turn a new leaf in the book of my life… and every evening, I turn back five, to be back in that abyss. Every day dawns with great hope and optimism… and the evening sets in with the daunting reality called ‘LIFE’.

I’m an ordinary guy, looking for that prefix ‘Extra’ in my existence. It isn’t simple being ordinary. The pressure to co – exist in a cannibalizing world takes the sheen off your visage, the juice off your spirit and the life off your ‘Life’.

I hate the word “Compromise” but that’s the other name for “Life” for me. An ordinary only compromises with every other thing co – existing around him. He has no wishes, desires, power or authority to overrule any aspect of his existence.

An ordinary is like the moon, he may shine bright in the night sky, helping the poet with his prose, the lovers with some romantic anecdote, the holy to shun the evil, the oldies with reminiscences, but without any innate light of his own.  

An ordinary doesn’t have the face that he can boast of. He is always behind someone. That someone becomes extra – ordinary, though the ordinary is always his backbone.

I’m an ordinary guy, looking for that prefix ‘Extra’ in my existence.

December Sunshine

My cell phone abruptly rang and I fumbled my hand around to find it. The cell made my bed vibrate, I was about to ignore it when something made me attend it. The voice on the other end was familiar. I could recognize it even after a zillion years though it had been just a year when I last spoke to her. She wanted to meet me. I couldn’t believe my ears. We had not spoken at all after I proposed her last November and she couldn’t find an acceptance to it. It was difficult to talk after that. Don’t know what makes her meet me now.

We met at this mall where she greeted me warmly. Like two old friends catching up, we started warming up with our whereabouts in the last year or so. She hadn’t seen a good movie in a long while and wanted to catch up on a rom-com. So there I was standing in the queue looking up for some nice movie. Luckily, the weekday promises you best seats at dirt cheap prices. I’m generally the quiet types at movie, totally involved in the story, replacing the hero and putting my current crush as heroine ;)

As the movie progressed, I felt a twitch in my palm. I saw her slowly pushing her palm on to mine, and then she held onto it. Her touch was amazing. For a moment I saw myself out of that hall and into some valley of flowers, just two of us and the tenderness of love, emotions and flowers. I didn’t react and let it be. After the interval, the touch was even more intimate and the feel much warmer.

“Though I’m really dumb at this, but I’m all ears”, I said.

“For what?” she asked

“Well, its quite suggestive and definitely leading me into this corner where I’m quite clear what it should be, but I will still give you the honor of expressing yourself”, I quipped.

“I guess, I will like to take it forward..”

“Take forward what?”

“Where we left”

I really had no clue to this riddle. What exactly she wanted to start, yeah a start, coz there was nothing that ended, to really take forward.

“I did like you but some how just couldn’t accept it for I had to deal with a lot of other stuff…” she said with her eyes finding her soul, buried deep in the ground.

“I realized over this time, that even those 2 line chats with you, would make me happy, and those funny antics of yours, always made me smile before I slept each day. I have missed all of that….  I don’t know if it’s right or not but I would like to give it a shot.

I couldn’t stop smiling. Crap, I really am a smiling damned villain, why can’t I just keep a straight face in a deep emotional situation like this.

“What?”

“What ….??”

“What are you smiling at?”

“I dunno, I mean I dunno how to react to it…I mean so are we dating each other now, I mean we are a couple now, I mean we have a future that I can look forward to…..”, crap, straight head dude, straight head.

“Lets meet in the evening at the “Palette Pal”, its kinda deserted and we can have a great space to converse”

“Ok!”, I didn’t know how to bid her a bye, should I shake hands, or kiss her, peck her cheeks, or just a hug… she made the better choice. She put her hands around me and made me walk till the road. Those 10 steps, you bet, were like a walk in the clouds. It was a journey I would never like to end. The softness of her palm, the tenderness of her fingers, and the warmth of that touch, it was all so mesmerizingly beautiful.

We met in the evening. Conversation kept flowing with the coffee and it really did for the first time. Smiles, chuckles, laughters, blushes, silences, stares and of course the conversation, everything happened on that table that evening. Time flew by and she had to leave. The same jeopardy mocked us again. How do we good bye? She didn’t help me this time. She started moving towards the road. I followed suit.

As I walked, I tried reading her thoughts, and they buzzed loud in my ears.

“why cant he kiss me?.....”

“he could have hugged me…”

“if not a hug, what bad was holding hands while walking….”

The rick stopped, and just when she was bout to board I pulled her towards me. My left hand ran up her waist, and I ran my right hand backwards from her forehead. I held her neck, twitched it a bit, her lips opened in anticipation….

I made a fang of my two fingers and massaged her spine down her back. Slowly and carefully, as I moved down, I pressed my fingers on her spine, that pushed her closer to me. Just when she was beginning to give it away, and her spine reached the tail bone, I moved my fingers away, before it became awkward for her.

I let her lose. She hurriedly sat in the rick and away she went. I was smiling and I knew she was smiling too.

Today the sun shined bright in my life...

P.S.: The Couple are blind, devoid of the sense of Vision, their other senses make it up for that loss.
Just in case you didn't get it while reading or watching the suggestive pictures. :)

SHE with HE

This was a relationship with a difference. I was free to be with anyone and SHE didn’t want anyone. No strings attached yet invisible strings existed between us. A bond truly carved from outside this world, which defied logic and yet epitomized a utopian relationship, platonic in words yet realistic in existence.

I remember, the other day when I had brought home this gal from my office; Natalie. She was a beautiful hot chic not detesting one night stands or casual flings. We were in the resting area and I was sure that SHE was in her room. But I had nothing to bother. This wasn’t the first time and like every time SHE wouldn’t question, SHE wouldn’t say anything, SHE wouldn’t mind; all that SHE would reflex was a sly smile that meant “Loser” for me and “Not again” for her.

There I was on the couch, kissing and caressing Natalie when SHE entered the resting room. Seeing us in that situation, SHE wasn’t amused but Natalie for sure was surprised. It was difficult for me to explain the complexity of this symbiotic existence to her and for Natalie; SHE was an “another” woman.

Gosh!! It wasn’t amusing to me as well.

Natalie banged the door on me and barged out of my place, me running after her, but in vain.

I came back exhausted and dejected only to find HER smiling as if she connived to get me in this mess.

I looked in HER eyes and they had this sly smile, mocking at me. She burst into laughter and ran in the bedroom. I followed suit.

I caught hold of HER and rolled onto the bed. I stretched both HER hands and started biting HER softly like a dog whose bone was taken away from him.

SHE kept laughing at it.

After a few mouthful bites, I stopped, SHE stopped laughing too.

We looked deep in each others eyes. SHE was beautiful and I knew it. The threads pulled us together again. Our eyes were locked and soon the lips too.

Cuddling in the bed, kissing and caressing, I pulled HER tee down HER shoulder and softly nibbled them, moving up the neck, then the ear.

The ear did it. The hand like a laser guided missile moved further down, to feel the curves. They are always at it.

I looked at HER again. There was silence this time.

“Get over me”, she said. “Or you’ll end up like this all the time”

SHE was right. I always ended on HER.

To reason is to find an escape route. I didn’t want to escape from this reality, the fact that I end up with her and that I’m content in this precarious relationship that is inexplicable to common senses.

I don’t want to get away from the reality of this perfect abode where “SHE is with HE”

She is Beautiful

She is beautiful.

Sitting across the table in that cafeteria, I could not take my eyes off her face.

There is serene calmness on her face, well composed posture and every word of the few uttered, was a romantic rhapsody. Her smile is elusive. It reminds me of all those moments I have spent with her, memories forever.

She is beautiful.

Often, the breeze would make, that strand of her tress, caress her soft face and she would not make any attempt to show her resentment against its audacity. But I felt interrupted; I had to have a full look of her face, with all her attention. I slowly held that strand between my two fingers and pushed it back to where it belonged. Her eyes lit bright and a minute twitch of the lips, suggesting a smile, which meant that she, liked the gesture.

She is beautiful.

We were involved in our conversation, when this sultry seductress passed by us. I blinked, my eyes quickly checked her out, assessing the highs and lows, I blinked, and I was back into her eyes. A sly smile, in its most diminished form, is what I mite have had on my face, but she is unfazed. Her calmness is serenading and serenity still pervading on that table for two.

She is beautiful.

Holding her hand, I feel, protected, comforted, loved, cared, inspired and motivated. I could spend an eternity here at this table. We weren’t talking yet the eyes had so much to say. They have been busy all this evening. She shows no fear yet the fear resides, it looms largely in our heart. We have caged it there and yet it affects the faculty of our mouth.

I blow into her face…

She is beautiful.

We decide to go for a stroll in the park nearby. I held her. She rested her head on my shoulder. Her touch is nice, her touch is cold, her touch is sweaty, and her touch is loose.

She WAS beautiful.

Mumbai Tales

I fought my way out from the crowd, every one of whom wanted to be the first to board the bus and somehow managed to put my foot firmly on the footboard of the bus and held the rod tightly. My eyes meticulously started scanning for a vacant seat. It’s a time bound game, where your mind and body have to be there agile best. The mind has to interpret, the data at hand, at lightning speed, and the body has to quickly react with the processed data. Result….you get to be seated in the ever crowded “BEST BUS”.

This is Mumbai meri jaan, where life is a mechanized system of well defined parameters and the output is nothing but a lethargic self who earns his bread and butter from the sugar bowl of the country.

I managed to get myself an aisle seat, right side of the bus. The bus halts at the next stop and then moves again. A white Tee and denim clad gal, crosses my seat and sits across my seat on the left side of the bus though 2 rows ahead. I can’t see her face coz her silky tresses were left open to bedazzle the lethargic mortals of the bus by their free flight in the breeze.

I’m trying, making my eyes make impossible angles to get a look at her face. Desperation…..

Then I get to see her hand….the opposite side of her palm had a scar on it. Looked like a burn scar. I kept looking at it. It fascinated me. I was thinking about the story behind the scar, the events that would have resulted in that scar, the story of the gal who has this scar, and how her face looks like.

The ticket collector called “Master” in Mumbai came to my rescue and played the role of my best friend. She turned back to take her ticket…..What a beautiful face she had….. Yet she had an ugly scar to her hand. I was forced to recall a dialogue from Hamlet where Shakespeare said that even if a thing is very beautiful, one spot, mark, or scar can taint its entire beauty and take away all its credit. Though this was said by Polonius to Ophelia and in context of a girl’s chastity, it holds true for all beautiful objects. We do disregard a beautiful piece, even though its 99.99% beautiful.

It was an instant attraction. I was in love with that scar laden beauty. I kept looking at her scar until she decided to get down on her stop. I missed her for the rest of my journey.

The scar remained in my mind all that night and I kept recalling the picture of her hand, her beautiful face and the silky tresses.

I was returning from work the next day, fought my way again for a vacant seat, and by a strange twist of fate, the girl is again in the same bus. The scar catches my attention again, though her hair was tied. It’s strange, banging into the same gal for 2nd consecutive day. I felt a connection, and a strong urge to talk to her. But I didn’t want to be termed a pervert. India is still not for a guy like me who has a clear conscience and clean intentions. We live through lot of social taboos.

The scar is holding my attention again, it’s a beautiful scar. Yeah I like it. I want to hold that hand, and allay all the pain associated with it, mitigate her fears and give her a smile of mine.

She gets down on her stop, taking away my attention.

I have never seen her again. The journey continues…
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I hear these chuckles of a kid coming from the front of the bus. Then I hear some laughing, then a scolding, and some more laughing.

A spastic kid sitting in front of the bus is catching people’s attention. Few morons scolding him for they cant understand him.

I’m fascinated by his world and amused by the happiness he was exuding. He was crowded by some 50 odd morons in that bus including me, but that didn’t bother him. He was very much in his world, thoroughly enjoying it, and living every bit of it which none of those morons did. I had stopped it long back.

He spoke to himself, telling himself about things which amused him; he would laugh, chuckle and then get silent. He looked at things with lot of curiosity. A sense of wonder would grasp him, something that his senses could not comprehend and the other morons never bothered to understand it.

He would tell someone about something and would either laugh or get silent at the response of his invisible friend.

Fascinating….

I’m jealous of him. He has what none of the moron’s in that bus can ever get. He holds the secret to life, and is very subtly, giving it out too. We are too stupid to even get a bit of it.

I’m jealous of him. His happiness is choking
I’m jealous of him. His world is such a wonderful place to be.
I’m jealous of him. He has a friend to talk to.
I’m jealous of him. People don’t bother or deter him.
I’m jealous of him. He has not lost his sense of wonder.
I’m jealous of him. He is what he wants to be.
I’m jealous of him. He is intelligent and he doesn’t have to prove it to anyone.
I’m jealous of him. He has contentment.
I’m jealous of him. His soul is free of vices.
I’m jealous of him. He holds no pretences.
I’m jealous of him. He has not lost his smile.

I’m jealous……

I Danced, like I never did before..

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I am writing after about 8+ months and I don’t know if I still can but nevertheless, sometimes some crap can even taste nice.
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It was uncalled for, unwarranted, yet a strange mix of emotions had compelled me to accept this invitation. It was astonishing that how easily I had accepted it. I had no clue how this will happen yet a force, unparallel, unmatched, had overcome my reasoning and I had just given into it.
The stage was all set…
I move in..
The dance floor was glittering, shimmering and was inundated with numerous divas of the night.
And in the centre, of all those incandescent divas of the night, I could easily spot her. It wasn’t really difficult. You may call me pink blind. She was in a dazzling pink dress. No wonder she looked scintillatingly beautiful, gorgeous, out-of-the-world… I mite just fall short of words :)
I was invited to the floor along with one of my friend…
It was strange, may be I was timid; I couldn’t dance among all those divas around and my friend….a married bloke was hitting the floor hard and the girls just grooving around him. I knew it wasn’t coming. I was off the floor, went to the bar and had few shots. The throat was drenched and the blood had it running with it. I felt I was ready.

I hit the floor again. The beats, the moves, the jigs, the jives, the hops….everything was flowing out as the booze ran through the blood. Soon the tired divas were off the floor and my happy bloke friend too.
She had to oblige me, I was her invite.

The floor was all ours, so was the choice of music. A sly smile and a wink, and the DJ knew what he was mixing next.
She was there, she was in my arms, she was beside me, she was in front of me, she was behind me…yes she was all around me and I around her. We swayed with the music, we bent with the music, we grooved with the music. We had people staring at us, we had people praising us, we had people envying us, we had people blessing us and we had people asking for more… The ambience was great, the music apt and we did all we could.
I DANCED... LIKE I NEVER DID BEFORE….

I shall always remember the night, that dance and yes HER !

Valentine

She stopped smiling.
Her world changed forever and so did mine.
I stood as a hapless friend unfortunate to not even be of any help; a mute spectator, a motionless bystander, a blind watcher, a deaf listener and a dead friend.

It all happened, while I was there, unaware of the turmoil in her life; a moral turpitude, and all for the sake of “LOVE”………….

………and it died in the longer run.

Her chirpiness lost, her suppleness defused, her charm mitigated, her voice faded yet her grace intact. She still gives a picture of a perfect find.
You will still fall in love with her.
The aura still glowing…

It’s hard to accept her today. She is possessed. The possessor being her own ego.
She doesn’t accept herself anymore. She has deprived herself……living in abstinence.

She is not “SHE”.

It is unrealistic to think of a life without ‘she’ being a part of it.
It’s a symbiotic equation, my existence being a greater dependant variable.

I wish I can bring her back her smile and I know I can…
Let this Thursday be a witness. The Jupiter be my chariot and with all its "might and pull" I shall fulfill her world.

The sky beckons, the world heralds, the breeze sings, the flowers make the ambience scent-full; the first ray and the day shall unwind……

…….HAPPY VALENTINE!! ...... SWEETHEART!!

AKS : A Reflection Within….

Anddd thattt wasss theee lasttt timeee Iii everrr sawww herrr.

With that last sight, there were too many last things, which became the last happenings, in the last days, of my last happy days with her.

That Last Hug…
That Last Walk…
That Last Company…
That Last Dance…
That Last Talk…
That Last Journey…
That Last Wish…
That Last Phone Call…
That Last BEST FRIENDSHIP…

In my pursuit of happiness and the daunting quest for love, I left her behind, to find answers to her own bewildering, perplexing vagaries of heart and mind.

I never knew, that I was a die – hard, incorrigible romantic at heart, until those M&B’s, Jab We Met’s and Dil Mil Gaye’s engulfed me in their spirals and my heart fluttered in delight, of the incessant happiness that LOVE has.

I love Armaan’s passes at Ridhima. I love the exasperation Ridhima shows to her vacillating emotions. I love their chemistry, I love their love. I won’t be surprised if they fall in love in real life too, playing that reel life for too long. Love is all that enigmatic. But I hate what Kareena did to Shahid. But then, like Geet (Kareena) says, “Your mother didn’t knew what she was doing coz she was in love”. I think I will have to let her go, coz her love beckons her (what was with Shahid then).

Love being a matter of heart and not mind, played the elusive riddle until I met HER. And…I was bitten by the pangs of love, giving me interminable moments of anxiety, pain, happiness, tears smiles and LOVE.

For the first time, I lived that cherishing moment, when I found myself lost in her company, oblivious of this world, society, office, home, people, life, death…
For the first time I felt wanted.
For the first time I felt loved.
For the first time I felt complete.
For the first time that void within was filled.
For the first time I had Heart over Head.

Now I realized, that those numerous lonely nights, spent crying for her, wishing she would come back one day, optimistic of love cruising its way through, were nothing but a mere waste of my valuable emotions. She wasn’t concerned, she wasn’t in love, she wasn’t mine…
She will be happy in her world is what I wish and be indifferent, for my own world beckons me now. I have a lot to give to one who truly deserves it.

“hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm”, a big sigh of desperation.

I wish, all I wrote could be true, I wish I could have moved on, I wish I could have stopped thinking about her, I wish I did not intend to be with her life long, I wish if she wasn’t the one whom I could confide in, I wish she wasn’t the one to be with me, I wish I hadn’t met her at the first place, I wish we would have not come to the point where we stand today.

Expectation is a silent but a barbaric killer. It enters silently into your life creating mayhem and then leaves incorrigible wounds of desperation, haplessness, helplessness, and nadir.
There is nothing I can do much, but to wait, let time takes it own trajectory and end up in my laps.

I don’t know why but I live in an eternal hope and a dream…

“ABOU BEN ADHEM,
MAY HIS TRIBE INCREASE,
AWOKE ONE NIGHT,
FROM A DEEP DREAM OF PEACE…”

May DREAMS come true…

Petals dun weep is a Myth, but Morning Dew is a Reality!!

A year has passed by….
A year of hope – despair, dreams – reality, friends – foes, love – hatred, fidelity – infidelity,
SHE – ME

A year that saw the insinuations which will make even the Alps shy.
A year…..

How I missed those late night talks, those lovely walks, a companion by my side, waves of happiness to ride, those bear hugs and the chocolate dipped kisses. How I found her so near at times and then non – existent at other.
How I spend those lonely nights coming in terms with the truth, how at one time I wanted to leave it all, how I wanted to make a hell of my life at one time, how I wanted to see nothing through, how I was getting my ever – existent SHELL to close forever, how I’m still alive, how I move into the next year.
All in a year…..

It started a little earlier than last year but ended in the last year, making the year special. And like I have always remembered the dates like an honest historian, I shall remember these too.
1 December, 2006 :)
17 January, 2007 :(
25 January, 2007
14 February, 2007
24 August, 2007
26 October, 2007
10 November, 2007
1 December, 2007 :(
24 December, 2007
25 December, 2007

Funny it seems now.
However the year drew to an end with fond memories making it a year of not regret but not to forget.

I met “Morning Dew”, and thought of happiness abound but then soon realized that Morning Dew is lost by the morning itself. It’s not something that lasts till the darkness of the night.

The “Acceptance” however hard it may be had to be taken in stride, dunno how successful I will be. The truth is a harrowing blasphemy. Painful, morose, melancholic……

But in the dark hours of this harrowing “Truth”, I never miss her radiant face, her pristine smile, her pleasant company, her lovely talks….. Seems like I’m in awe with every aspect of her existence.
I have loved walking with her; the most beautiful part of my time spent with her. It’s the one thing which I will never forget and shall do anything to get a minute of walk with her.

The end of the last year has given me the best of memories, may be they help me cruise through the tough journey ahead.
The road uphill his harsh, lonely and crucifying but is the only truth existent. The year ahead may have its own song to sing but I have my own for the whole year…

“DEKHO CHHOD KAR, KIS RASTE, WO JAATE HAIN….
SAARE RASTE, WAPIS FIR, DEKHO AATE HAIN …

KAISIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII……….

NAHIN SAAMNE, YEH ALAG BAAT HAI..
MERE PAAS HAI TU, MERE PAAS HAI
MERE SATH HAI, MERE SATH HAI….”

Petals Dun Weep, It's the Morning DEW...

After years of mundane existence, I’m finally revitalized like the first bloom of spring, and I find myself as rejuvenated as the first drop of rain. After years I feel like living and living to live for a happy contended life.

I thought it’s all over, but I never realized life is a full circle with no corners and ends. In this never ending pursuit of survival, I barged into her.

I saw her in that deadly combo of white shirt and blue denims for the first time. Pretty appealing and then I lost her in the crowd. Every girl around was in the same combination and I just couldn’t get my eyes off of all those candies, definitely with floss.

Few days later, and on a hazy morning I was asked to wish someone on her birthday. I did it in my own subtle way with words that just soothe the soul. I had never heard the name before or seen her. But I did get to see her the same evening. “Oh! The birthday girl”, I muttered to myself and moved away. I lost her again, this time not in the crowd but in the loneliness of those stairs.

Days passed, and then one fine morning I was bedazzled by one of the most enchanting beauties I had ever come across. It was she again. “How in the world I could have missed that”, and that one thing that had caught my fancy was that “SMILE” of hers, that still lingers in my memories and my lips touch ear to ear. I thought I was always floored by ‘their’ eyes but for a change like the other changes in an around me, for the first time it was a “SMILE”. Innumerous skipped heart beats have rendered me speechless and with every passing day, my fondness for her has grown manifold.

I know not what her smile has in it but it has the perfect ingredients to allay my anxieties, relieve me from pain and tension and soothe the soul to such an extent that living under her shadow is what I can crave for all time. Her looks have the innocence of a new born, pristine and heavenly. Such is their charisma and mesmerism that I feel guilty of falling in love with her. I feel like that street urchin who touches the silk robes of the queen’s palace and stains them forever. I find her so innocent that being a part of her life produces guilt in me coz I’m not one of those blessed ones. I’m afraid of asking her out coz I find myself so frugal in front of her richness of persona. I don’t find myself even worth her friendship coz I’m guilty of condemnable acts. I feel this coz her aura is so divine and honest that makes me feel introspective and makes every inch in my cadaver to account for and find that I’m just not existent in front of her.

Her beauty is exhilarating. No she isn’t some beauty queen. She has the simplest of looks a girl could have but with that smile it adds so much panache and mesmerism to her personality that she bowls over everyone around. Her beauty is inexplicable in words and immeasurable in any unit. I’m blessed to be around her for a while every now and then.

My dream of a wife seems so near yet so far. I feel like marrying now, if only she says “YES”. She is just the one I had ever dreamt and it gives me immense pleasure in the fact that my dream wasn’t a fantasy and there still exist a possibility to my dream.

I WONDER WHEN MY DREAM COMES TRUE…

Walk by the Woods, Hand in Hand!!

It had been long since we last met. Today she was coming to meet me all the way from down south. Little butterflies in my stomach were making me look forward to this meet. It had really been long since I had last seen her face. Her radiant face, full of zeal, enthusiasm, and effervescence that sparkles every face around. A great friend and a great pal. She had been the spirit, the soul, and the heart of my existence. Have seen her bring me through most of my adversaries and has been around through my thick and thins. I love her!!!

The last meet is all I had lived upon all this while. The day always seems too long until I have her by my side. The daily mundane tasks assigned to me by the authorities are a pain until I have her face making me sail through them. The co – workers rather co – inhibitors would have good time in my presence, but they could never fill the void within.
“It always takes an ocean to fill the well in me”

She had come to meet me at my States apartment which was given to me by my company, “Virginia Tech.”. In other words it was a store room apartment. It was packed with all the junk available in the town. It was in complete contrast to my Mumbai apartment where I had just bedding and few of my belongings in a spacious room with a big two door size French windows. It was hard to find a place for her to sit. But she made her self comfortable, may be it was more important that we were together than where we were. We had a good long chat that day, remembering the good old days we had at college and the few good times we spent alone. In the evening I had taken her for a walk down town. She had left me great memories to live all this while. And today we meet again.

As the time nears by for her arrival, I’m getting more anxious and jittery. Somehow the glass between us would make all the difference. I can’t help it, I wish I could……….

Its time and she is here. I’m being taken to the “Guest Room”. There she is, in the most hottest and appealing combination according to me. A crisp white body hugging cotton shirt and blue denims. “Ohh! Heaven! Gimme some more time with her…………………
We sit across each other, the glass between us, and the microphone to our aid. What should I tell her? Words are lost for me. All I can do is, see long in her eyes to draw all my times I had not been with her together. I can’t hold it anymore.
“Officer, I have a request...”
“What is it Mr. Anand?”
“I don’t know if it’s in your discretion, but I think it will be my last wish if I can make any.
Can you by any chance let me out, I want to walk by the woods with her”

“What, ahmmmm, I don’t know if I can do anything bout it,……..wait, lets see……., I would be risking my job, but ahmmmm, I think I would give in to those vibes I see you share with her.”

I see the sky after a month. How great it is to see, that how trivial we are and how miniscule our existence is in front of that vast blue spread. I look at her. There is peace within and a sense of accomplishment. I’m fortunate for this walk. After this everything would be easy, I know that within. I’m beyond my usual questions, what if….., what if not,….had it, ……may be,……, they are lost in her presence. She is too comforting and her face allays all turbulence within.

The woods are silent and the breeze chilly; the birds aren’t chirping and the silence harrowing. May be it’s a harbinger, but who cares now, I have her by my side. Sometimes you talk nothing, sit silent for hours together, and when you part, you feel you had the best conversations ever. Yes, I had it too. One of those which will remain in my heart forever.
“Forever”(chuckle), as if forever lasts for ever.
Time is up, and I have to return. The woods even more silent and the wind even chillier. They definitely tell the tale. She would have to leave; I don’t want her to stay till the end. It would be painful for her.

“
‘Morifibre’
It’s that one thing you really care about,
The one special thing that means to you more than anything else in this world,
When you find her, you fight for her; you risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your future, your life, all of it.
And may be that doesn’t help her to be….
You know it doesn’t matter,
Because in your heart you know,
That the “JUICE IS WORTH THE SQUEEZE”
”- The Girl Next Door

The cell is sealed. The gas is out.
I’m losing sight………loosing my breath.



“THE BEGINNING”

SIN AND THE SINNER

In the past few months this has been the hammering question in my mind; What is a Sin? Who is a Sinner?

Let me put some food for thought on your platter.

• A person does an act that’s condemned by the society and the cultural and moral police but for that person, the act is no sin. So in such a situation should the act be called a sin and that man a sinner? Ironically we call it a sin and the person sinner coz all but one think the same way. TAKEN
• If a person does an act for which no one says or feel anything but the person feels he has committed a sin and considers himself a sinner. In such a situation what would the general verdict be?

Thus the question arise that what is a sin? Is it a sin, when all but one, think, that it’s a sin or is it a sin, when the person committing it considers it a sin?
In the former situation it would get inevitable to pin down the delinquent coz he would never owe up hence a bench mark needs to be set but what in the latter case when the person owes up but no one really bothers it.

Isn’t it a sin, when my conscience tells so but no one really feels that I’m punishable? Wouldn’t the inner fire of purgation make it a hell for the person to live anymore? But then committing suicide and failing in it is another sin BY LAW. What does it leave for the person then?
?
?
?

FILTH MAKES IT FILTHY

Ever stared at filth for so long that your detest, hesitancy, reluctancy, puking sensation and “Dare Not Stare” feelings changed. Ever stared at filth for so long that you started discovering those different objects that at one point of time were adorned by one of us. Ever felt that connection with the filth. Ever thought it’s an integral part of you coz it’s come out of you or been a part of you. Ever seen a different world in that filthy drain by the train track while in locomotion. If not then don’t try either, who would want to meet you in hospital. But there is a world in that filth.

Have you ever seen the beauty in filth; I’m sounding insane, I know, but did you? Yes it’s got a beauty of its own. Try staring at it for long, long enough before that dizziness sets in. You would find it’s not all that to be detested. If you figured out something in a filthy drain that adorned your living room some time back then how it can detest. It was a part of you at one point of time.
“A THING OF BEAUTY IS A JOY FOREVER”
“Nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so”, said Shakespeare. It’s our nature to like something to such an extreme that to detest it becomes so easier. I’m at a conclusion that besides nature which is cyclic in pattern everything else in life follows a bell shaped pattern. Starting from no where in its gestation, begins on a low note, reaches its peak where it becomes an apple of eye, starts to descend and then lost in transition. Becomes the detesting FILTH.

Men are filthy too. Filthy by their own existence. Filthy though not in appearance but in mind. All men have split personality. Hypocrisy is their other name. No not coz they don’t know how to mince words to hide their filth but they are an adroit in hiding their split personality. Hypocrite’s coz their split personality makes them different persons in front of different people. Dexterous in hiding their filthy persona to the person of their interest. But once confronting their filthy counterparts all that glitter is lost in the filth. Yes we all put up pretences.
Some, rather many would call it an art but what’s in an art that keeps changing form. The only art that can be accepted with its changing forms is nature rest all is FILTH!!

But filth is beautiful too. Some filthy men would be genuinely good and smart and handsome. Ever wondered why the goons and dons have the hottest babes. Simple, the babes already know of their filthy persona. Nothing is hidden. And it’s an acceptance of that filth which is apparent not concealed like others; the filth in others surfaces later when all the glitter and sheen has withered and the filth becomes apparent only to make life troublesome.

It’s best to have a filthy real persona than to have a dual existence, a split personality, and a constant hypocrisy that kills in the long run.

REMINISCENCE

Sitting on that bench by the bush, its the early hours of the evening, I was wondering how special that day was when I first met Scott. He had this charm of a kid which made him so lovable, eyes so innocent that one could not stop seeing them, a smile that could make your day, lips so alluring that one could hallucinate a lasting kiss, a voice that would sink in the heart like the melody of nature and a personality that could beat the best of the suitors.

It was my first day at St. Patrick’s. The class was a coterie of strangers, known faces, friends and ….. this lad walked in. I knew this charm, I knew the eyes, I knew the lips and I knew this “Hello”. He seemed so familiar.
Ahhh, “Hello”
“Scott”
“Ana”
“May I”
“Oh Sure!” he sat down beside me. “First day?” What a stupid question that was. It was first day for everyone.
“Yeah, I guess so” pat came the reply.
I was stammering in his presence, what was he doing to me. The day went by in smiles and stares. I don’t remember if we had talked anything that day beside that first conversation. We bid adieu to each other and left for our homes.


The next day, was a search for a face I knew, a search that became a routine and a search that became my life.

The child across the path is playing with the butterflies, unaware of the surroundings and unaware of the place he was at. It will take time for him to realize meanings of people, places and ………….
The old man to my right is silent. He just sits with his wife and says nothing. Silence is all he gives to his wife. Even I don’t have much to say besides……………
The crowd gathered over there is busy in their proceedings and would be gone soon.
For the guard and the caretaker it’s all in a days work.

Scott comes in late but sits besides me. I feel special, I feel blessed and I feel a completeness. The trend continued for the next 3 years. Everything of him was so serene, so harmonical. So special were the vibes that he shared. He made me feel his need, he made me feel what I had missed all this long, he made me feel satisfied, he made me feel contended. I was so composed, chilled and relaxed in his company. The chores of the world were so far away from the embrace of his arms. I would just get lost in his company. His words, a harmony, his smile, a wave of freshness, his stare, a morning ray, his laugh, a humorous play, his embrace, the world, a walk with him, a soothing bay and the time spent with him, a life lived. We were destined to be together. Everything was so special about us. His touch was a like a chord of a guitar, sweet and mellifluous. I could sit with him for hours without a word being said such was the illusion of his eyes. So much was said yet nothing uttered.


College got over and we got into jobs. We moved to different cities for the sake of our careers. Yet he would find time for me. Every time he came to see me, we would hardly talk. Being in his presence was more than a million words said. We would just sit and stare………….

The crowd almost done, they are all about to leave. The child would go soon. The old man is still silent. There is this son who has come to see his father and this other man who in order to purge his sins has come for this perfect stranger whom he met on the road.

He told his family bout me. I had wondered if they would ever accept me but who would deny him, his words – a harmony, who would like to bring a discord. It was set in the heavens, that one day we would be pronounced,
“Now that SCOTT and ANA have given themselves to each other by the promises they have exchanged, I pronounce them to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”


And the candles burn throughout.

The candle has burned out. I was waiting for this only. I didn’t want it to extinguish half way like my life has. The flowers too have started to shrivel. They would be dead by morning and the caretaker would throw them away. The old man would leave soon. The child has already gone. The son wept for sometime in front of his father and the candle still burns. The other man has given the flowers to the stranger he met on the road. The sun has set and its dark here like the darkness in my life. I light another candle before leaving. Walk a few steps back. The name still shines…..

SCOTT GUYENA
1980 – 2007.

THE HARBINGER

There I was standing in front of her door with a bouquet of thorn less pink roses and a big grin on my face. It has been 7 years now, 7 long years of solitude, a self given anathema and a process of purgation. When I had left her, never had I thought how it would be and how I would live it to be but it happened. I don’t know what has brought me to her today.

All this long we were not in touch, never tried to be in touch, distances helped and so did we. It was a promise to her that the day I’ll feel like meeting her I would find her, no matter where she was. This had been my forte. My networking skills are awesome. It all started in freshman days and I excelled in them in my sophomore days. Somehow I knew how to get to people, come what may. Finding your heart is never so difficult.

I’m at the 6th floor of this building in a satellite town and nothing gives a hint of her existence here. But I have no reasons to not to believe my own networking skills. Anyhow I had no options too so had to stick to it. This was the only clue I had got after an extensive research. Standing before that door I felt so dizzy, apprehensive of what lies on the other side. Unaware of what its going to be like and unaware of what it may contrive to be.

With a palpating heart I ring the door bell. I here a few footsteps and bang it opens in front of me. There she is!!! The same mesmerizing face, the same enigmatic, cherubic smile, the same grace and panache-she is an eternal beauty. I fall in love again!!
Pulling her tresses back she looks up at me. ASTONISHMENT!! She couldn’t believe her eyes and even I couldn’t. We were so dumb and numb. We didn’t know what to say and what to start with and where to begin. It was all so startling. She sat there for some time. I wanted to take her hand in mine and feel her presence again but did not have the courage to do so. I was 7 years ahead or rather 7 years far from her. She went inside for a while.


I feel this twitch in my denim and I ignore it as my apprehension. I feel it again and I look down to find this toddler looking up at me with those startling eyes. What a beautiful bonny child. I wasn’t amazed seeing the toddler. 7 years is a long time. People move on and people learn to live. It’s only few morons like me who get stuck in time and lose the flow. It was a happy feeling to see the child. Against the normal tendency of a child he was so friendly and comfortable being with me. I loved him play with me.


While I’m playing with him I see this photo frame of her with a man. I recognize this fellow. It’s him. I’m shocked to death. He was long gone out of lives of everyone, how come he is…….


I can’t believe my eyes. I search the room and there I see their wedding frame. Words lost, dreams shattered, home debacles, life evaded. I was stumbling and barely able to stand. I heard his voice from the living room. I could not face this. I was too weak for this. Rather I was not expecting this.
I had no heart to stay there to see them standing together. I had to leave.


I made an early exit. I was forced to. I would have not taken even a minute to get down to the ground floor. I had no words now. I had done the last thing I wanted to do in my life. The search over, the dream finished, the hope lost, the love dead…….naah!! The love won’t die. This is the reason I lived for 7 years and I think I got to live more.

THE PURGATION IS NOT OVER YET.