REMINISCENCE

Sitting on that bench by the bush, its the early hours of the evening, I was wondering how special that day was when I first met Scott. He had this charm of a kid which made him so lovable, eyes so innocent that one could not stop seeing them, a smile that could make your day, lips so alluring that one could hallucinate a lasting kiss, a voice that would sink in the heart like the melody of nature and a personality that could beat the best of the suitors.

It was my first day at St. Patrick’s. The class was a coterie of strangers, known faces, friends and ….. this lad walked in. I knew this charm, I knew the eyes, I knew the lips and I knew this “Hello”. He seemed so familiar.
Ahhh, “Hello”
“Scott”
“Ana”
“May I”
“Oh Sure!” he sat down beside me. “First day?” What a stupid question that was. It was first day for everyone.
“Yeah, I guess so” pat came the reply.
I was stammering in his presence, what was he doing to me. The day went by in smiles and stares. I don’t remember if we had talked anything that day beside that first conversation. We bid adieu to each other and left for our homes.


The next day, was a search for a face I knew, a search that became a routine and a search that became my life.

The child across the path is playing with the butterflies, unaware of the surroundings and unaware of the place he was at. It will take time for him to realize meanings of people, places and ………….
The old man to my right is silent. He just sits with his wife and says nothing. Silence is all he gives to his wife. Even I don’t have much to say besides……………
The crowd gathered over there is busy in their proceedings and would be gone soon.
For the guard and the caretaker it’s all in a days work.

Scott comes in late but sits besides me. I feel special, I feel blessed and I feel a completeness. The trend continued for the next 3 years. Everything of him was so serene, so harmonical. So special were the vibes that he shared. He made me feel his need, he made me feel what I had missed all this long, he made me feel satisfied, he made me feel contended. I was so composed, chilled and relaxed in his company. The chores of the world were so far away from the embrace of his arms. I would just get lost in his company. His words, a harmony, his smile, a wave of freshness, his stare, a morning ray, his laugh, a humorous play, his embrace, the world, a walk with him, a soothing bay and the time spent with him, a life lived. We were destined to be together. Everything was so special about us. His touch was a like a chord of a guitar, sweet and mellifluous. I could sit with him for hours without a word being said such was the illusion of his eyes. So much was said yet nothing uttered.


College got over and we got into jobs. We moved to different cities for the sake of our careers. Yet he would find time for me. Every time he came to see me, we would hardly talk. Being in his presence was more than a million words said. We would just sit and stare………….

The crowd almost done, they are all about to leave. The child would go soon. The old man is still silent. There is this son who has come to see his father and this other man who in order to purge his sins has come for this perfect stranger whom he met on the road.

He told his family bout me. I had wondered if they would ever accept me but who would deny him, his words – a harmony, who would like to bring a discord. It was set in the heavens, that one day we would be pronounced,
“Now that SCOTT and ANA have given themselves to each other by the promises they have exchanged, I pronounce them to be husband and wife, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.”


And the candles burn throughout.

The candle has burned out. I was waiting for this only. I didn’t want it to extinguish half way like my life has. The flowers too have started to shrivel. They would be dead by morning and the caretaker would throw them away. The old man would leave soon. The child has already gone. The son wept for sometime in front of his father and the candle still burns. The other man has given the flowers to the stranger he met on the road. The sun has set and its dark here like the darkness in my life. I light another candle before leaving. Walk a few steps back. The name still shines…..

SCOTT GUYENA
1980 – 2007.

THE HARBINGER

There I was standing in front of her door with a bouquet of thorn less pink roses and a big grin on my face. It has been 7 years now, 7 long years of solitude, a self given anathema and a process of purgation. When I had left her, never had I thought how it would be and how I would live it to be but it happened. I don’t know what has brought me to her today.

All this long we were not in touch, never tried to be in touch, distances helped and so did we. It was a promise to her that the day I’ll feel like meeting her I would find her, no matter where she was. This had been my forte. My networking skills are awesome. It all started in freshman days and I excelled in them in my sophomore days. Somehow I knew how to get to people, come what may. Finding your heart is never so difficult.

I’m at the 6th floor of this building in a satellite town and nothing gives a hint of her existence here. But I have no reasons to not to believe my own networking skills. Anyhow I had no options too so had to stick to it. This was the only clue I had got after an extensive research. Standing before that door I felt so dizzy, apprehensive of what lies on the other side. Unaware of what its going to be like and unaware of what it may contrive to be.

With a palpating heart I ring the door bell. I here a few footsteps and bang it opens in front of me. There she is!!! The same mesmerizing face, the same enigmatic, cherubic smile, the same grace and panache-she is an eternal beauty. I fall in love again!!
Pulling her tresses back she looks up at me. ASTONISHMENT!! She couldn’t believe her eyes and even I couldn’t. We were so dumb and numb. We didn’t know what to say and what to start with and where to begin. It was all so startling. She sat there for some time. I wanted to take her hand in mine and feel her presence again but did not have the courage to do so. I was 7 years ahead or rather 7 years far from her. She went inside for a while.


I feel this twitch in my denim and I ignore it as my apprehension. I feel it again and I look down to find this toddler looking up at me with those startling eyes. What a beautiful bonny child. I wasn’t amazed seeing the toddler. 7 years is a long time. People move on and people learn to live. It’s only few morons like me who get stuck in time and lose the flow. It was a happy feeling to see the child. Against the normal tendency of a child he was so friendly and comfortable being with me. I loved him play with me.


While I’m playing with him I see this photo frame of her with a man. I recognize this fellow. It’s him. I’m shocked to death. He was long gone out of lives of everyone, how come he is…….


I can’t believe my eyes. I search the room and there I see their wedding frame. Words lost, dreams shattered, home debacles, life evaded. I was stumbling and barely able to stand. I heard his voice from the living room. I could not face this. I was too weak for this. Rather I was not expecting this.
I had no heart to stay there to see them standing together. I had to leave.


I made an early exit. I was forced to. I would have not taken even a minute to get down to the ground floor. I had no words now. I had done the last thing I wanted to do in my life. The search over, the dream finished, the hope lost, the love dead…….naah!! The love won’t die. This is the reason I lived for 7 years and I think I got to live more.

THE PURGATION IS NOT OVER YET.

THE FULL MOON

It’s a full moon night today. You would say what’s new in it. Yeah nothing new in it but ask those two people and they would, with a startling glare in their eyes, a derisive smile on their face and a flutter in heart, say, “It’s a Full Moon Night Today”.

For years I had this strange connection with the full moon. Just the look of it would make me feel connected to her. She knew this. Rather she felt the same way. Not sure though. A connection: an attachment, a bonding, a smile, a stare, wordless, speechless, breathless, nimble…. (Chuckle).
You know connections are a great thing rather strange thing, they make you feel blessed, they make you feel stressed, they make you feel great, they break you into tears, they give meaning and they demean themselves. Connections are a momentary thing, in a moment you realize you have something to do with that other soul and in a moment everything shatters to pieces. It takes years to bring up a castle of your dreams and it takes just a second to bring it down. How Momentary!!

The full moon makes me nostalgic but there is no one to soothe me down, pacify me, allay my fears and apprehensions and assuage me of a better future. I’m vulnerable and few species on earth would definitely know that. I thought a Smile Would Win Over Everyone, it dint; not tears either. It’s all momentary.

Winston Churchill once said, “What goes around, Comes around”. Sorry to say Mr. Churchill the world never returns what you give to it. It’s a hungry, naked, mendicant world out there whose quench can never be satisfied even by the nectar of the sweetest flowers not even by the holy water of the heavens and not even by the blood of the mortals. I have left my fist open, not to let go what I hold in it but to hold the most of what I have got [DCH]. I wrote in my blog “I DESIRE” that the last of the threads are breaking away and I’m clinching on to those last threads. They are on the anvil to break, it’s inevitable, I can’t hold on to them. All I’ll have in my hand and in my life is the part of that thread that remains in my hand, they would go with theirs.

There comes a time in life when the world beckons you, hails you, heralds you but their also comes a time when the world dejects you, rejects you and you, flabbergasted by your fate get into that shell. The shell that is meant to nurture, care, and rejuvenate but this shell is a black hole. It takes away everything from you. Hope, trust, faith, love, friendship and meaning……the meaning of a full moon.