HER PRESENCE : A BLISS

It was a warm day of May, and I was sitting at the library desk when this simple serene damsel enters our coaching. Dressed in a pink top and a black trouser she just took my heart away with that cherubic smile of hers. She was dead gorgeous. Her pristine beauty mesmerized me completely and her demure and panache bowled me over. All eyes in the room were on her and her eyes…….on the receptionist. She had come to take admission in my course and a friend of mine told that she would be in my batch only. A smile was all I had on my face.
Next day when I came to coaching the attendant gave me her I – D card and asked me to handover it to her as she was in my batch only. My guardian angel had blessed me with this chance to talk to her and I knew I had to make a mark to get that conversation going. The class had not started and I was waiting anxiously for her to come. In few minutes she too arrived. Had it been for someone else he would have jumped to talk to her but since it was me I waited for her to settle. I stood outside the class and waited for her. In a moment she came out and was looking for someone. Then she came towards me and said ‘HI’ with that same cherubic smile (Guardian angel). I said ‘HI’ and there our conversation started. Within minutes I found her to be one of the entrants of my directory. [I had this knack of knowing people wherever I would go. I used to be friend people wherever I used to go and then a network would be established. Like this I had developed a directory in my mind of so many people. It contained not only their names but phone numbers of some, vehicle numbers of some, family background of some and other details of few]. Now it was easier to converse as I gave her ample evidences of me knowing her though I actually had never met or seen her. She also felt happy to find a friend in this new place. Then I forwarded her I – D card to her for which she was thankful. Then we went into the class. I used to sit on the second or third last row at a center seat; that day she also came back to sit with me. I had an awesome evening that day. After the class we sat for an hour outside the coaching and talked about each other.
This soon became a routine. We used to come early and spend time in each others company, then we would study and after the class we would again spend time together. Then we changed our after class routine. We would go for a drive in her car or we would hang around in nearby restaurants. All eyes in my coaching were jealous of me, the guys of my good luck and the gals of her bad taste and choice. Well we did make a statement wherever we used to go and I was feeling like I had all the happiness of this world. I was sure of my career and I knew I could make her happy too. Whenever I was with her I would just feel the same comfort that a baby has in her mothers lap.
We would share so many things with each other. She had a past which she told me; that ugly past would surface occasionally and that would make her quite for days. I wont boast but my friendship helped her a lot to recover from the pain, agony and trauma of that burnt past. My night walks had given me enough insight and acumen to handle such upheavals in life. She was just like that flower which gets shriveled in inclement weather and when it gets nourishment and care it regains its lost beauty and sanctity. To sum up we were already a couple sharing and balancing the mixes of life and living it with all our might.
Every day has a night and so did our happiness, friendship and……………love. We had reached to the end of our course and soon we were to give our exams. We didn’t know where we would land up as our destinies were not a slave of our whims and fancies. We were unaware of what the future might hold for us yet we had this bonding that would alleviate our anxieties and allay our fear. We wanted to make the most of what we had before we ventured out for our careers. We wanted to spend most of the time together and make memories that could be cherished throughout our course. We would call each other numerous times in a day but the best time would be when we would talk for hours in the dead hours of night. It was so much pleasure to talk to her in night. The night with its sedation makes a person more emotional, intense and vulnerable. She would get so emotional and intense and it would give me immense happiness in knowing this side of her. Yes, somewhere I knew this is what a woman in your life does to you, she makes that soft side of yours activated. It’s difficult to put those loving moments in words but I lived them to the fullest.
We had given our exams and were waiting for the final results to be declared. We were meeting everyday but then one day she called me up at her place. I reached her place in time. She opened the door for me, gave me a tight hug and went in. I closed the door and moved in. She was watching a movie which she had paused. I sat down on the floor and played the movie. I had my legs spread out and my hands stretched back on the cushion. She came out with a drink and then sat between my legs and rested her back on me. It told me that she was alone at home. She was unusually quite. I knew something was coming coz she had not been so quite in past few months and her past was already a past to bother her anymore. I started moving my hands in her open, straight, silky long hair. I moved her hair from her neck and shoulder and kissed her on her neck. No reaction. I started kissing upwards and reached her ear. I gently bit her ear. No reaction still. I stopped. Then she slowly turned back and looked deep into my eyes. I tried reading her but before I could do anything our lips were locked into each other and our hands all over each other. She took off my t – shirt and caressed my bare chest with her soft wet lips. The next moment I was all over her. I was about to be swayed by my emotions and passion when my conscience pulled me back to senses. I withdrew my self away from her. I got dressed and sat down on the sofa. I had lost it but not completely. I wasn’t feeling guilty but awkward.
She was still quite. She came and sat beside me. I saw those tears in her eyes that were about to roll down her cheeks. There was pain in them, excruciating pain. I couldn’t hold on to her eyes and moved my eyes away from her. I saw a call letter lying on the center table. I opened it to find that she was selected in a prestigious institute and her joining date was in a week. A week? We had no time left. I looked in her eyes again but this time I couldn’t see her as there were tears in my eyes. I had the same pain in my eyes as hers. I sensed it, I felt it, and I cried it. I was speechless; in fact no words were required. I knew what she had to say and she knew what I had to say. I hugged her again, this time our touch saying it all. We sat down like that for hours looking in each others eyes. Sometimes you say it best when you say nothing at all. We knew this was coming and we were preparing ourselves for it but somewhere our preparation lacked. That was it. She had to go and that was certain. We had to accept it. It was getting difficult for me to stay there; a choking pungent feeling was taking my words away. I stood up, looked at her, gave her a parting hug and I came out from her house.

It was difficult for me to go to my house with those red, swollen crying eyes so I went for a drive. I went to that same spot outside the city where we would hang out often. The serenity of the place assuaged me and I was ready to accept the truth, after all it was a matter of two years only. I came back home in the evening and went straight into my room. I was listening to some soft songs on my laptop when my mom entered the room and gave me a letter. It was a call letter. I opened it and my eyes got startling wide. I was selected, and in the same institute as hers.

STRIKING DISTANCE

I had just sat down to study maths when her phone rang up. I reached for it and it was her on the other side. She couldn’t solve some chapters and needed my help. I was always ready to help anyone. It also meant that I could get her company for hours in these mundane exam days. Without a thought of my own studies and exam I started changing to go to her place. I was putting my whole year at stake but when emotions run high the brain can only sigh.

I reached her place. We sat down to study. But wherever I’m, there can be no studies without fun and laughter. This tells that my concentration power is weak but this also tells that I’m quite humorous and can make people laugh. We were having fun and studying too. It seemed she didn’t need much help; it was only lack of confidence. Well we were sailing through with much ease.

It was going well when all of a sudden this happened. I was sitting on chair and she was sitting on ground. Her t – shirt which had a loose neck just slipped of her shoulder and her strap was visible. I wanted to tell her to check her t- shirt but couldn’t do so. I was feeling shy as well as awkward. The friend in me wanted to tell her but the chivalrous male in me made me reluctant after much tussle I gave up. Later she herself checked it. But all that time I was uncomfortable and feeling difficult to look at her. I think when you like someone it does make you weaker, reluctant and inconfident. My feelings for her had started getting intense and I was feeling like she was the one meant for me. I had started dreaming of her as my wife and my happy married life with her. It would give me immense happiness to see those sweet and sour moments lived with her in those dreams. I would spend hours day – dreaming of her.

This did not last long as soon my commitments and my own career came in between. We had to part ways. Life seemed difficult without her initially but we all are capable enough of living with and without people. It seems difficult from a distance but when it come on you, you just live it with great passion and jest.

FRAILTY THY NAME IS WOMAN: SHAKESPEARE

The moment you read this don’t think I’m some anti – feminist or a chauvinist who is going to give a blog on how women are an object of weakness, desire, lust, sympathy and a good for nothing being on this mortal abode. Let not the misfortunes and miseries of your life disregard this wonderful creation who is a mother; who is a daughter, who is a sister; who is a friend and yes who is your girlfriend and your better half. This blog is in fact about the ladies in my life and limited to the latter three stated above rather two only coz I’m still to have a girlfriend.

WOMAN – A FRIEND

If you have read my testimonial in Orkut given by my sis, it says that I have a huge female fan following. Right she is. I always had many girl – friends. I was always popular among them. I don’t remember of my first two school coz I was small then when I got into my third school I was famous in all classes, right from class 1 to class 10. The measure of it was the number of rakhis I had on both my hands on Rakshabandhan Day. You bet it; girls had high expectations from me: SECURITY. Those of you who have seen me must be having a derisive smile on their faces. I know I know!!
Over the years I developed some good friends among girls. Considering the Aquarian in me I never fell short of friends (males & females). The interesting fact is though however clumsy, timid and shabby I look I always had the best of girls of the class as my friends. Not that I eyed them but somehow my chemistry used to gel with them. The fact remains still. In those formative years I may not have realized the value of friends and the pivotal role of a woman in one’s life but today in the formative years of my life as a patriarch I can understand it well. But you know I have been intrigued over and over again by this mystery called WOMAN. This blog was to be direct on woman but then I just couldn’t find the right words to pen down the vagaries of my mind. There is an aberration here to adjust this new aspect.

NO OFFENCE MEANT TO GIRLS. FREE TO GIVE IN YOUR COMMENTS. From my own experience and from my friends too I have come to a definite conclusion that girls have infinite power of maintaining clandestinity in personal matters, be it matters of heart or be it matters concerning their near and dear ones. When you think you know a girl inside out, be prudent, you have only started knowing her. There is a friend of mine with whom I share a great rapport. There are times when she leaves me totally bedazzled. I just can’t clear the air of mystery around her. It is then when I kinda know her well. There are times when I’m able to pick up things from thin air and there are times when certain things are just inexplicable. This fact is strengthened by another girl who is very good friend of my friend. In fact it was after knowing about her only that I decided to write this blog.
The second definite conclusion is you will never know what a girl really intends to or what really lies in her heart leave aside her heart of her heart. This fact was strengthened again by the two ladies stated above. Don’t think my conclusions are based on these two and they are Immortal truth. My observations were on many but since I got to know these two really close so the conclusion was drawn through them and these are just my way of taking things. Don’t adopt them and take them for truth. I’m not the one who draws conclusions based on an action or two, I really delve hard into things and it’s only when I’m convinced thoroughly that I put it on platter for others. I think this could last for eternity so I should come back to the main topic.

Believe me, if you ever want to know the in and outs of a WOMAN, befriend a girl rather make her your best pal. I have known something about them through my friend and you can too.

WOMAN: A GIRLFRIEND

I’m really incompetent to say anything on this as I’m still to have a girlfriend. But what I know is that I’m not the one who can be in and out of a relationship that easily. So if I’m still single it is because it’s not a fun game for me like others. I’m not here to test my self. I respect woman, their feelings and the institution of marriage. The day I commit, it would be a lifelong affair.

WOMAN: AS BETTER HALF

Well incompetent still but yes I do have a picture in mind. I know you all have it. Believe me it isn’t that fairy tale kind of thing. Its very simple, down to earth and a very realistic kind. Not much expectation and very personal to write it here. All I can say is it will be my choice and my parents consent on her or be it the other way it doesn’t matter. All I want is she can tolerate the eccentricity in me and be my intellectual counterpart.

There is much to write but I’m again in that perennial dilemma whether to write or not. You know sometimes you just don’t feel letting certain things out. Yes this happens with guys too. Why don’t you come up with your version of this topic? It would be interesting to know whether I’m the 10 or the 90 among 100.

INCESSANT PERPLEXITY

I’m in a perennial dilemma of whether I should write this blog or not but considering the positive effects I had writing my first blog I think I should write it. Its better out and lost than within and sulking.
I don’t know when it began; I don’t know when it will end, coz I’m at the receiving end. This was uncalled for. For past one year I’m trying to figure it out yet I stand disowned exactly where I was a year ago. I don’t know what triggered it; I don’t know what wrong I did to trigger it; I don’t know what could have been the factors for triggering it, all I know is that a intuition, a hunch, a gut feeling that I had, turned true, like it often does for me. It could have been easier if he could have said it, it could have been easier if he could have made me known; it could have been easier if ‘I’ wasn’t ‘Me’ and the ‘Me’ could have been ‘He’; it could have been easier, indeed much easier.
It’s so human to blame someone for something that he is not directly responsible for. Consider the following situations and think: Would you like to be hated by others for these:
a) For calling B as A.
b) For doing things your way.
c) For liking someone your way.
d) For hating someone your way.
e) For calling a spade, a spade.
f) For being in your own solitude and detachment that gives you peace.
g) For telling people that they are wrong.
h) For changing and adapting to your surroundings
i) And last, for being yourself.

I know that inner voice would be saying NO. Stop listening to this mind, it will mislead you. Listen to your inner self, the inner you, the real you, yes you “THE ONE”. Yet people, leave aside others, you and me do it. We blame others for something that they are not directly associated with. The result is a tainted faith, a dwindling trust, a broken relationship and a burnt past.

At times I feel victimized, at times I feel rebellious for I cannot get to the root, cannot unearth that closet which has hidden within reasons, actions, words which initiated this trauma of mine. However hard I try, I come back to that one point where I need that one key that unlocks the casket to my pain and agony.

For the pain and agony of the readers of this blog, this was just the prologue of my blog. But interestingly the rest is shorter and less painful than above

I have been thinking for quite some time now that why relationships are so complex, why is it that when someone needs to know something that would relieve you of your pain, you hide it, why is it that some people can absorb all pain and yet keep smiling, why is it some people just cant react at the right time, why is it that some people think that they are bigger than this world and why is it that some people can’t think the way things need to be thought.

It’s so intriguing that people can be at times so ununderstandable. I have given up on it. Its really painful to remember those moments and times which have brought you to the point you are today, Standing together yet apart, singing together but different song, walking together but in opposite directions, thinking same thing but in different ways, eating together but without the feel of others presence. At times I think, things would change for the better but everyday degradation in our relationship makes me think that day is really far. Much water has flown since. What could have been a relationship unparallel; has become a tragedy of errors.

I leave it to flow on its own, to be caressed by the evening breeze, to be ablution by the drizzle, to be warmed by the radiant sun and to be lost in the oblivion by time.