Loving Imperfections to Perfection...

They say its easy falling in love, its difficult staying there. For me, neither the fall, nor the stay was easy. Just about when I thought, the cake was ready to relish, the bread started crumbling.

For her, the emotions had ceased to exist, and the void was paramount to her decision. She wanted to avoid the pain and agony of close death of a bond that somewhere even she felt “EXISTED”. She wanted it easy, without slogging it out and I was ready for the turmoil, only to churn out a phoenix.

While the bread crumbs were crumbling under the so called “Marital Bliss”, I would often wander in the bliss of those cherishing memories, which laid the foundation stone to this relationship. Not really lost in oblivion was a special meet, when I had come all the way to give her solace.

“Please come, I really – really need you. Plz, plz, plz….” read the text on my cell phone. I didn’t need a reason after that; those 3 “Plz” were compelling enough. I somehow managed to get a waiting train ticket and I was ready to adjust for anything but make sure I was there for her. Luckily, I found a friend in the train, who accommodated me on his seat and I had a decent journey, all thanks to his benevolence.

I reached her place and called her up on her cell to tell her that I will not be able to come due to some problems. I knew she would come out to her balcony to pour her heart out. And she did. I asked her to look down at the street and a million dollar smile flashed at me. That was it. That smile made me oblivious of all the pain and trouble I had in making it possible to meet her. That was just the curtain raiser to her, to make her feel comfortable in the fact that her buddy was here with her now. After exchanging pleasantries and spending some time with her, I bid her good bye, only to meet up early next day and spend all the time together.

She came to my place, we hugged and greeted and she settled on the sofa across mine. We exchanged pleasantries and I knew there was so much hidden behind those made up smiles. I tapped at the vacant space besides me and gestured with my eyes, asking her to come besides me. She obliged. I took her hands in mine and asked her what it was. Just like a hot knife running over frozen butter, she started pouring it out. I let her be. After a while, it was too overwhelming to still be my cold self. I decided to comfort her and thought of hugging her. While I tried to pull her towards me, she was too stiff to even move. I thought of putting my arms around her. The moment I raised my hands to do so she moved back to rest her self, I thought of stroking her straight tresses but my fingers got stuck in her wet hair. She had washed them that day. I thought of rubbing her palms, but they were too sweaty to even hold. Then I decided to wipe her tears but the moment my hand touched her cheeks, she blew her nose out on my hands :(

I still want to hug her to make her feel warm, to untangle her tresses, to hold her palms and reassure, that, I’m there, to hold her face in the cup of my palms and tell her that I still love her.

I needed to confront her, to create a “tsaheylu” (a Navi’s emotional bond that lasts a lifetime; refer movie Avatar). 

After much cajoling and convincing, she agreed to go for a walk with me. That was my only chance; I had to make this “A Walk to Remember”.

Our silent tread towards nothing and for nothing started slowly, and silence was that pervaded all the while. But while we walked, I saved her from a ball hitting her face, held her duppatta which the wind blew away, blew in her eyes to remove that mote, held her hands when she slipped on the sludge, cleaned the park seat for her to sit, got those sweet corns she liked and smiled every time she looked at me. Yes, Smile!

“You may not realize but after a troubled night sleep due to my snoring you always had a wonderful morning sleep. Coz, I made sure that I got ready and left without making a single sound to disturb you.

You always had your special herbs & spices in the kitchen shelf, ever wondered why they never exhausted.

You never had to bother for keys; you always found them with me.

Whenever you had a bad day, you always had me by your side and I always heard you out. You complained that I don’t respond but did you ever thank that I listened?

The maid didn’t hassle you for her salary, neither the servant did, nor the others, wonder why?

You complained that I didn’t compliment but did you ever saw me not liking you in anything you wore?

Our special nights, slow, sedating and exhausting, yet left you satiated.

Whenever you had your way, you didn’t realize, I was with you in that way.

I may not be the perfect husband, I may not have done things perfectly yet in my imperfections, I have made you happy. Even I didn’t have the perfect love, but I loved your imperfections to perfection.”

Silence pervaded again. We started to walk back but after a while I realized it was just me. I looked back to find her still sitting there. I called for her, she wasn’t hearing. I walked up to her to find wet eyes trying to have a clear sight of all the messed things around. She pulled me down to sit with her.

I hugged her, put my arms around her, stroked my fingers in those straight tresses, rubbed her palms to console her, wiped her tears AND kissed her to make up for all the lost time.

To Be or Not To Be...

To be or not to be, that is the question,

Whether it’s nobler in the mind,

To suffer the slings & arrows,

Of this outrageous fortune,

Or by taking her arms in yours

Settle down to a commitment…

That certainly didn’t happen with her. It just wrecked like a paper boat, flung into the lanes, marooned by the gushing rain water. The boat is nice, crisp and clean, only until it’s in the hands of its creator but the moment it’s left to prove its efficacy, it realizes, it is just a pawn to the forces much stronger than it. To wreck or to sail, is not the authority or discretion of the boat, no not its creators either, it’s the gushing rain water’s.

I have slammed to the walls, dollop and galloped, drowned and wrecked in a similar gush. It’s been years yet seems just a tale from the last weekend. Weekdays don’t leave me with much thoughts or emotions. The face is familiar, the touch reminiscent, the roads known, and smiles…

A smile can be deceptive too.

I was looking for something in my mailbox, when I stumbled upon an old chat, about 4 years old, which reminded me of the good old days. The days when the boat was still a piece of paper in that notebook, which awaited the graphite to scribble love notes onto it. Rhapsody!!!

It wasn’t evident then, but when I read the chat now, I see that the future was scribbled right in its inception. If only, I wasn’t human enough, I could have seen through it. What was bliss then looks a spoof now. A spoof life played on me. I was someone really special to the puppet master. But with all strings in the hands of someone else, a puppet has nothing but to play to the spoof. And I valiantly did.

I stand dried on a perched top now. The rain water naturally descended. But its lonely being deserted to this corner and awaiting.

The wait is for that second pounding. Yes!!! I await the gushing rain waters again for now I’m prepared, have learnt the maneuvers, have jostled the contours, have known the trajectory and I’m nice, crisp and clean again.

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace…

Dawn !!

Every morning, I wake up to turn a new leaf in the book of my life… and every evening, I turn back five, to be back in that abyss. Every day dawns with great hope and optimism… and the evening sets in with the daunting reality called ‘LIFE’.

I’m an ordinary guy, looking for that prefix ‘Extra’ in my existence. It isn’t simple being ordinary. The pressure to co – exist in a cannibalizing world takes the sheen off your visage, the juice off your spirit and the life off your ‘Life’.

I hate the word “Compromise” but that’s the other name for “Life” for me. An ordinary only compromises with every other thing co – existing around him. He has no wishes, desires, power or authority to overrule any aspect of his existence.

An ordinary is like the moon, he may shine bright in the night sky, helping the poet with his prose, the lovers with some romantic anecdote, the holy to shun the evil, the oldies with reminiscences, but without any innate light of his own.  

An ordinary doesn’t have the face that he can boast of. He is always behind someone. That someone becomes extra – ordinary, though the ordinary is always his backbone.

I’m an ordinary guy, looking for that prefix ‘Extra’ in my existence.